Happy Holidays

                           Happy holidays to everyone following here in the blogging world - I can only hope that each and everyone of you is as blessed as I am to have a weekend full of time spent with friends and family.

It is times like this that I can truly appreciate how blessed I am to have those around me that I do.

All the best!



Contests, oh my!

With the holidays upon us and Christmas VERY QUICKLY approaching, most blogs are featuring stories of the past holidays, baking tips/recipes and contests.  There are SO many great contests going on right now! I have found myself spending perhaps a bit too much time the last little while getting my entries in..

I wanted to share some amazing contests going on at one particular blog, A Spicy Boy, A Cat & My Fat Ass (aka Diary of my Weight Loss & Coping with Anxiety).  All of these contests end Dec 20, so get your entries in now! All are open to US/Canada as well.

1) Lizabettas handcrafted Glass Art Pendants - necklace of your choice giveaway.
 http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-2-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_3756.html

2) Five Finger T-Shirt company is offering up a t-shirt of your choice (and they have some great ones like a homage to the Big Bang Theory - BAZINGA!)
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-6-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_1245.html

3) Eden Fantasy - I think most of you have read about the company: They offer adult toys, lotions, lingerie.  They are offering up a $100 GC!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-12-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways.html

4) FakeBake is offering up a sunless tanning lotion..
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-3-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_4019.html

5) Foul Mouth T-Shirt company is offering up one of their (not for the faint of heart) t-shirts; winner's choice!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-6-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways.html

6) Journey Gym is offering up one of their amazing portable universal gym sets!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-12-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_4485.html

7) KT Earrings is offering up any of their $20 earrings.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-8-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways-kt.html

8) Pampered Passions is offering up any lingerie item up to $50!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-8-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways.html

9) Love Mode is offering a $25 credit to their store - so many clothing options to choose from!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-10-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_7039.html

10) NanoStyle is offering up any silver pendant of their choice.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-12-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_7010.html

11) Niche hair products are offering up a package of shampoos/conditioners worth $50.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-3-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways.html

12) Silicone Body is offering up "Booty enhancing" panties!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-7-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_1787.html

13) Novica (the site in association with National Geographic) is offering up a $50 credit to their online store.  If you have never checked this site out, well worth is - so many beautiful items!
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-10-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_10.html

14) USB Crazy is offering up a $25 credit - which will buy you a TON of product as it is all dirt cheap.. and very cute :-)
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-1-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_01.html

15) Misikko if offering up a box of it's Hana products.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-11-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_968.html

16) Honeycat Cosmetics are offering up some of their products.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-9-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways_9573.html

17) Light Affection is offering up one of their amazing photo nightlights.
http://www.aspicyboycatandmyfatass.com/2011/12/day-10-12-days-of-christmas-giveaways.html

Whew!  There are many other contests up right now too.. Check it out! :-)

Day 15..

So, the veil of medication fogginess has lifted!  Hallelujah!  It is wonderful to feel like myself again. 

HOWEVER, the cravings have started.  Seriously, for the past two evenings my thoughts are consumed by the thought of smoking.  So much for "I have no cravings!". 

As I was leaving work today, I walked by someone smoking and purposely walked as close as possible without being creepy and inhaled as deeply as I could.  I stopped short of asking this stranger to kindly blow some smoke in my face.. but don't think I didn't actually THINK it :-)

As an incentive to kick the habit, my employer offers employees $100 yearly (used to be once a lifetime, but I guess they realize people often are not able to quit the first time they try... According to my doctor, more like the 7th!) for smoking cessation products. I took advantage of this offer and loaded up on the lozenges and gums prior to quitting, and have been using them the past few days... ALOT.. and feeling angry stuck in traffic sucking on a lozenge wishing I was actually smoking.

I am not sure if it was just the medication fog that stopped my cravings, or the fact I was still having those 3 cigs a day..?  Who knows.  I've cut myself down to ONE a day right now (Why not just not smoke at all if I am having one?  Don't ask).. and am hoping to be down to zero in the next little while..

At this very moment, I really wish that I had NEVER even started smoking.  I am honestly being WAY more serious about quitting than I ever have before...In the past, I didn't really test my willpower.. I caved too easily.  I suppose I could say that I wasn't ready then...  I can't say that I am READY now, per say, as I really didn't WANT to quit as I may have mentioned before.. I just know it is time.

I am reminding myself this is for the best (and going to put some money away each week I don't smoke to reward myself in the end (when is the end?) ) and that this is not a temporary event..  I cannot get through these 3 months and start again.  This is a FOREVER thing, I hope.

I can NEVER be a social smoker.  I know ex-smokers who quit when they became pregnant, but will maybe once or twice a year have a smoke.  I doubt I could..  It's a slippery slope.  I have also witnessed others try to social smoke and end up right back as a smoker.

I don't want that to be me.

I may not be ready to quit, but I AM ready to get it my best shot... no matter how horrible it feels right now.

It's going to be a LONG haul.

So, I have a nasty little habit...

I smoke.

Yes, yes.  I know.  I know.  I had made the commitment to quit last year, and succeeded for about 6 or 7 months (I can't recall) but fell back into it due to the stress in my life.

Seriously.  I hit the gym about 6 days a week.  I eat healthy the majority of the time.  I basically lead a very healthy lifestyle - minus the smoking.  How insane is it that I could leave the gym after a great work out and light up a cig?  I know.

I decided this year that I really NEEDED to quit.  It is getting way too expensive (and a waste of money at that), and most importantly,  I worry about my health.

Anyhow, I got a prescription for Zyban earlier this year from my doc.  I hummed and hawed about WHEN the best time to quit was (excuses, excuses) and realized summer was not it - I am not a big drinker, but in the summer I do enjoy some wobbly pops on a hot day out on a patio.  If any of you smoke or have ever smoked - you know drinking and smoking seem to pair up together... when you drink, you want to smoke. 

Alot.

I then decided: "September will be the time!"... well, it rolled around and I didn't start the quitting process... I decided: "My BIRTHDAY is in October - I want to be able to have a drink on my BIRTHDAY!" (they recommend not drinking while on Zyban as it increases seizure risk)... so I didn't start then.. I also realized I was actually scared of quitting.

I know that sounds insane.  Scared to quit smoking?  I can't explain it - as horrible and disgusting of a habit as it is - I enjoy it.  During a crazy hectic day at work (which is it 90% of the time)  - it is nice to step outside and have a moment away.  I enjoyed sitting on my front stoop, watching traffic go by and having a puff.  It has been such a habit to me that I was actually sad to be leaving it behind.   At any rate, October passed as did November.

December 1st came and I popped my first Zyban.  It was time.  I didn't think about it.  I just did it.

It takes about a week for the medication to fully enter your system.. and wow.. is this experience ever different than the last time I used Zyban.  The last time I used it I still had cravings for cigarettes.. so I would occasionally use one of those nicotine replacement lozenges..

This time?  On about day 8, I no longer had any cravings.  Nada!  Great?  Yes.. but the other side effects.. Oh man..

Zyban is known to cause very vivid crazy dreams.  Not a big deal, and actually kinda cool... at first.  Last night I had dreams about my apartment being invaded by rats.  Horrible.  I have had a few other crazy nightmare like dreams as well..

Speaking of sleeping, I am having a hard time doing so.  I already have a difficult time with sleeping, but now on an average night, I sleep for about 3 hrs then am up every hour on the hour... Or just can't sleep at all. 

The nervous energy... I have a hard time sitting still.   I end up tapping my leg after awhile...

I catch myself zoning out often.  I will start to daydream and catch myself sitting there slack jawed.  Literally.  It will only be for a few moments, but still.

I actually feel "simple", for lack of better words, at times.  IE I was brushing my hair this morning and noticed how long it had actually gotten.  I proclaimed to myself out loud: "My hair.. is long.".  Whaaaaat?  I actually looked at myself in the mirror and started laughing at myself.  I am a little forgetful as well, which is not me.. I sometimes struggle with making conversation as I feel a little fuzzy headed.

I have no cravings for the cigs, but I also have no craving for food.  I have NO appetite.  The theory you gain weight when you quit smoking?  Yup.. don't think that will happen.  I eat because I know I need to eat, not because my body is saying I am hungry.  I also cannot eat much without feeling uncomfortable..

I am much colder than usual (especially my hands and feet)... but notice I also get periods where I am sweating an unusual amount and for no good reason (not exerting myself).

My mouth is soooo dry..

I had a scary experience the other evening where I actually panicked - out of the blue, my right arm/hand had a strange pins and needles throughout it.  My left cheek was also numb.  I went outside to throw the garbage out and my hand became so cold it was painful.  I couldn't warm it up (and it was noticably colder than my left hand) either.. I started to panic in proper hypochondriac nature: "I am having a stoke!".  I managed to pacify myself by googling the side effects and realizing this is a rare one, but one... I am also one of those people who generally doesn't react to medications well - I get side effects.

I was driving home from a Christmas function last night and was reflecting on a conversation I had had with a friend about the medication.. She asked how long I was going to be on it:  3 months, I informed her... and yep, it had been an interesting 10 days thus far... and only 80 more to go! Ha!

I fully admit that I am still smoking a bit.  I know I said no cravings, but I am trying to break the habit/routine.  I have smoked my fist smoke of the day on the way to work and when I leave work.  I may have one in the evening.... 3 a day.  That is waaaay different than prior.  I actually do not even get the same feeling from having the cig as I did prior - the first one in the morning was a.. relief sort of feeling.  A rush, if you will... I realized as I smoked that I was taking NO pleasure in it... which is a good thing.. I think this is also the nervousness about quitting coming into play.. keeping a small piece for now.

I'm 11 days in.. but well on my way.  I just hope these crazy side effects pass...

Wordless Wednesday

Homemade chocolate covered pretzels? Look delicious.. (They really do if I were to not use a crappy phone photo.. I will also add they were made while rocking out to Informer by Snow to increase their cool factor)

The NOTE after the ingredients MAY change your mind. heh

Happy midweek! :-)

Not so Wordless Wednesday

Okay, so I know this is supposed to be wordless... but here is what I learned today:

A) Trying a new recipe is probably best saved for home, and not when you are going to a potluck.

B) Boasting about a fabulous recipe is probably also best done AFTER you try said recipe, not before.. in case of cooking mishap.

C) You can ALWAYS use a lifeline to call mom when questioning IF powdered sugar is the same thing as icing sugar.

C) Coring (?) strawberries is not as easy as it sounds.

D) Cheesecake filled strawberries may or may not be worth the trouble.

You are NEVER alone.

I came across something on Twitter today that I have never experienced, and hope to God that I never experience again:

Someone linking to their suicide note.

I am serious.

I don't know this fellow myself, but came across the link as several people I follow on Twitter were linking to it and asking for anyone who knows this fellow to contact him and get him help.  Long story short - people on social media site were able to contact the police who in turn went to his home and he is safe, and hopefully getting the help he needs.  Thank God.

In his note, he mentioned being unable to cope with the pain and wishing the best for the family he was leaving behind... wishing he could have been a better father, and wishing the best for his daughters.. saying he wasn't as strong as people thought he was... Very heartbreaking.

Point of this blog - you are NEVER alone.  Suicide is NEVER the answer.  Never.  There is ALWAYS someone there who will listen, and help carry you through the dark period.  Things WILL get better in time... Time.. time heals.  There are other options.  There are ALWAYS other options.

Believe me, when I was going through my difficult season this year, there were times when I wished the pain could just be gone.  There were times when I was sobbing uncontrollably just wishing for something to change..  HOWEVER, I never considered suicide as the way out..  It is a selfish act, that solves NOTHING.

I have known people who committed suicide, and know people who have experience with the suicide of a loved one in their lives.  It may end the pain for that individual, but the trauma in the lives of those around them?  Horrible.. The chaos in the wake of suicide is not something anyone should ever have to experience.

But I thought all girls LOVED shoes?

Dear Elderly neighbour,

I know I should look at this as a kind gesture and all, but I REALLY do not want your old shoes... that aren't even my size.

Please stop leaving them outside my door.. and putting them directly in front of it so I trip over them when I try to leave for work in the morning.

Thank you,

♥
Me

411.ca

For anyone who utilizes the Internet to search for things located in your city like places to eat, auto repairs, clothing retailers, etc, there is a great new free to use site out there: 411.ca

411.ca relies on patrons of all types of businesses to post reviews and opinions (also free to do via creating an account), which others can then skim through to see what people think of a particular place and learn of the hits and misses in the city.  They also offer a white pages option where you can type in a 'person' and are provided with an address and phone number. 
For the contributors of 411.ca, you are rewarded for interacting on 411.ca (IE writing reviews, rating reviews, etc) with 'Influence Points' which basically increase your 'level' over time.. Basically bragging rights, that you are a top contributor.

My opinion of 411.ca? 

The ability to see reviews of businesses is invaluable.  I had to find a new mechanic last year and had a very difficult time trying to figure out WHERE to go, as you hear so many horror stories out there of shady places.  I (luckily) found a great place going in randomly, but could really have used a site like 411.ca to help guide me in the right direction.

The 'person' search (white pages idea) is lacking.  I entered in my own self, a relative and friend and all three of us had incorrect information - two incorrect addresses (Two moves that occurred over 5 yrs prior) and incorrect phone numbers.  I guess there is some work to do on that front!
All in all, a great site to check out if you are interested in seeing what others think of a certain establishment before you head there!

Priorities?

So, the other day I noticed a notice from the city posted to the community bulletin board in my apartment block.  Basically, the water is going to be shut off for about 6 hrs while the city performs some maintenance on pipes or something of that nature..

Fine...

So today rolls around and I decide I should undertake in some water usage tasks before the water is shut off (and for the record the city didn't give a TIME when this was occurring, just that it would happen) - aka the pile of dishes in the sink.  No word of a lie, as I rinsed my final cup the water slowly trickled down and was gone.  I smiled smugly at my perfect timing...

Thhhhhhen I realized perhaps I should have done some things first like ya know, brushing my teeth and bathing... Oh, and how about filling the tub with some water so I could perhaps grab a bucket when I wanted to use the toilet?  Or ya know, maybe filling a jug of water for cooking later or just to have some drinking water... So I chose to DO dishes and forgot these a tad important tasks... Whaaaaat?

Hello Monday, I am starting you off with clean dishes and a wet nap bath!

The power of speech

It's sometimes difficult to not look at your life and compare it to other peoples..

It is also easy to sometimes bottle up your feelings/thoughts and convince yourself that no one could possibly understand how you feel or what you are going through, rather than simply voice what you are holding inside.

I've learned there is a lot of power in simply opening up and talking to someone about how you feel.

"I sometimes feel like I am not cut out to be a mother"
"Since having children, THEY are my life.. I don't have ANY social life anymore and really don't have any friends anymore"
"I am so self conscious"
"When my ex and I broke up I did some crazy things.."
"I really hate my body"
"It may SEEM like my life is perfect, but I am still not happy."
"I sometimes feel like I am 'too old'"
"Have I made the right choices in my life?"

These are just a few things that people I know have said to me recently.

From the outside looking in, MANY of these people DO appear to have perfect lives - wonderful relationships, beautiful children, amazing homes, great jobs, etc... You would be hard pressed to think of what they would have to NOT be happy about - but people often paint on a happy face and are so reluctant to talk honestly about the turmoil that is inside.  No one enjoys feeling 'less than' anyone else or showing weakness - that is human nature. 

While I can't relate to some of what the friends disclosed to me, I could see the power in the ability to just get it off their chests by talking about it.  Sometimes it is just a relief to get it out into the open, have someone listen, give their two cents and if able to say: "I've been there.. I've felt that."

That is what brought me to blogging - a platform to 'get it out there' and off my chest.. and to realize that someone out there can relate to what I am saying..

No one is perfect, no life is perfect.. and that's ok.

Not so wordless Wednesday

Somewhat wordless on MY part..

One of the most beautiful covers I have heard.. This song always makes me tear up for some reason..

Enjoy! ♥

#bzzagent - Scrubbing Bubbles One Step Toilet Bowl Cleaner

So, I have been a BzzAgent (a word of mouth marketing company for any of you not familiar with the company) for many years now, and have been fortunate enough to be able to review many products from coffee to cleaning agents.  Until now, my means of getting the word of mouth out about these products has been through face to face contact and to a lesser degree, email/FB.

Here is my first blog post!

I was sent the Scrubbing Bubbles One Step Toilet Bowl Cleaner to trial.

The product consists of a canister that sits next to the toilet bowl (with a white sleeve to go over top of the canister - which comes as a refill so you do not have to purchase the entire kit each time - to camouflage itself in with the bathroom), attaches with a thin tubing and clip to the inside of ANY toilet rim. 

 

(sorry for the sideways photo!)

Once attached, the user can step on the pedal of the canister device for one second which activates a 360 spray to cleanse the inside of the toilet bowl, eliminating the need for scrubbing by hand, for a 30 day period!

Easy enough, right?

My first experience was that I had a slight difficulty getting the canister into place and setting the clip on the toilet rim to the correct level wherein it wouldn't spray outside the toilet bowl.  BUT, all in all, it was an easy experience.

I found that the spray did cover the entire toilet bowl and left the toilet and bathroom smelling great!  And the ease of use.. Great!

I really did not feel though that it did an AMAZING job on the tougher stains.  There were water marks in the toilet that the spray did not remove - but were removed easily with a toilet brush and cleaning product...  I think my best bet is to continue to use the Scrubbing Bubbles One Step on a daily basis (for a quick pick up and shine), and do a quick brush weekly to get the tougher stains..

Now that you have read about my experience, you can visit Scrubbing Bubbles on Facebook for a chance to win your own One Step Cleaner
facebook.com/ScrubbingBubblesCanada

Contests? Yes, please.

Probably about a year and a half ago, I stumbled upon a love of contesting..  Who DOESN'T love winning things? 

In the past, I was only entering contests from major companies websites... and not really winning anything.  I then came across the wonderful world of blogs that range from cooking and baking (and I do love new recipes) to talking about general life, reviews, giveaways. 

I began entering giveaways on these blogs and started winning a decent haul - some of which I have kept for myself and some I entered in hopes of winning to give as a gift to a friend/family member..  Whatever you want to call it, I am just certain my neighbours question the fact UPS/Fed EX/Canada Post are making frequent stops to my place... oh, and I probably need to win a GPS as I get lost EVERY single time I go to the Fed Ex depot in my city.  Don't ask me how, but I do..

Anyhow, I have recently gotten into Twitter to increase my chances of winning a contest, as I realized this method od daily entry REALLY boosts your chances.. along with adding a lot of time to my hobby.

One thing I have never done (and the point of this long winded post) is to BLOG about a contest.. I am not sure I will be getting into that as a habit, but I am promoting one here today.. so without further babbling:

There is a wonderful blogger out there Lemon Drop.  Her blog is a foodie blog with some glorious recipes such as Bite Sized Nutella Brownies, Cinnamon Twists and Apple Butter bread... Yum!  She is currently hosting a giveaway:

Three lucky winners will win the following:
1. A fun set of test tube sprinkles by Wilton.
2. A great set of 32 Spiderweb Baking Cups by Cupcake Creations.
3. A fantastic Linzer Cookie Cutter Set by Wilton.

http://lemondropsfoodie.blogspot.com/2011/10/its-halloween-giveaway-time.html

The contest closes Oct 8.. So feel free to visit for your chance to win, or just browse some of the amazing recipes (with beautiful photos) she has!

 

The quest to read 52 books continues!

So, I know most of my last posts have revolved around the drama I have been experiencing with the ex.. I'm sorry for that, as well.  I have contemplated NOT posting anything about it - but really, the whole purpose of my blog was to have a safe place to post my thoughts in order to get them off my chest.  It just so happens that this season in my life is not one of joy.. but I am sure that will change.

You may recall I mentioned in the past that I was taking on a challenge of reading 52 books in 52 weeks - well, I HAVEN'T given up that goal... SO, here are the next chunk of books I have read since my last post (In JUNE - eeeep!) AND I am going to try to comment on my thoughts of the books, as well... What I recommend and what I would pass on.

14. Ape House - Sarah Gruen (July)
*** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Ape-House-Sara-Gruen/dp/0385664451/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317343125&sr=8-1
- The premise of the story is about a journalist who is doing a story on a handler Isabel and a group of bonobo apes who communicate via sign language, at a University language lab.  The apes are 'kidnapped' by lack of better words by an extremist group and end up being part of a 'reality' TV show.  The quest is then to get the apes back.
I know that that sounds incredibly strange.. It was a decent read though, especially for an animal lover. 

15. But Inside I'm Screaming - Elizabeth Flock (July)
*** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/But-Inside-Screaming-Elizabeth-Flock/dp/1551667274/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317343529&sr=1-1
- A fiction novel about a journalist who suffers a melt down on live television, and subsequently has a mental break down and ends up in a hospital.  The story is slightly scattered in it's delivery of the past events and present time - and can be slightly hard to follow.  However, it was very powerful in it's message.

16.  Bravehearted Gospel - Eric Ludy (July)
** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Bravehearted-Gospel-Truth-Worth-Fighting/dp/0736921648/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317343877&sr=1-1
- Non fiction:  Eric Ludy sets out discuss the how the beliefs of the modern day church has changed over the years, and his opinion of how this is not always for the best.  I found this VERY hard to get through, and really couldn't agree with his opinion at many points.  As an attendee of a non-denominational church myself that uses more modern 'praise and worship' music in its service and applies every day situations to bible verses - which Eric disagrees with - it was hard not to.  IMHO, if a church uses a more modern approach to attract a younger crowd to God, how can that be wrong?

17.  The Filter Bubble: What the Internet is Hiding From You - Eli Pariser (July)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Filter-Bubble-Eli-Pariser/dp/1594203008/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1317344172&sr=1-2
Non fiction: WOW!  This is a book that I raved about to everyone and anyone who was around while I was reading it.  It REALLY opened my eyes to how the Internet has changed the way people view the world, and what they are viewing.  The book discussed the fact that Google no longer gives you the most popular/recent web page when you do a search, RATHER, it has a filter that gives you what it believes you would like to read based on your browsing history.  Did you know that?  So basically, three people could type the same word/topic into the search area and get three completely different results.  The book also discusses how people are more likely to get their information/news from the Internet and that tends to give people skewed and perhaps incorrect information.   I highly recommend this book!

18.  Half Broke Horses - Jeannette Walls (August)
**** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Half-Broke-Horses-Jeannette-Walls/dp/1416586288/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344560&sr=1-2
Non Fiction: I read another book by Jeannette Walls, the Glass Castle, back in July - this is now the true story of her grandmother. Lily.  Very beautiful story of the struggles of a modern woman during the Great Depression and years around that.  Lily is an AMAZING woman, and her story is one to be read!

19.  Unbearable Lightness - Portia De Rossi (August)
**** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Unbearable-Lightness-Story-Loss-Gain/dp/1439177783/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344778&sr=1-1
Non Fiction: This is the memoir of Poria De Rossi and her struggles with coming out as a lesbian, the public spotlight and struggle with anorexia/self esteem issues.  The book is incredibly heartbreaking with the vulnerability Portia expresses and how much pain she harbored with trying to become perfect.  Beautifully sad.

20.  Little Princes - Conor Grennan (August)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Little-Princes-Conor-Grennan/dp/0062049852/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344958&sr=1-1
Non Fiction:  AS per Amazon's about the author: Conor Grennan volunteered in Nepal at the Little Princes Children’s Home in the village of Godawari in 2004. He would eventually return to Nepal to launch Next Generation Nepal (NGN), a nonprofit organization dedicated to reconnecting trafficked children with their families in postwar Nepal.  I could not put this book down.  Read this.  That is all I will say.

21.  Those Who Save Us - Jenna Blum (August)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Those-Who-Save-Jenna-Blum/dp/0156031663/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345093&sr=1-1
A fiction novel written through two narratives - Trudy and her mother Anna who lived during the Holocaust.  Very powerful.  Very well written.

22.  Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert (September)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Eat-Pray-Love-Everything-Indonesia/dp/0143038419/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345291&sr=1-1
This book needs no explanation.  I have read it before, and re-read it again and fell in love with it again

23.  Boy In the Striped Pajamas - John Boyne  (Sept)
*** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Boy-Striped-Pajamas-John-Boyne/dp/0385751532/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345349&sr=1-1
A fiction novel written through the eyes of 9 yr old Bruno, whose family is transplanted to Poland during the Holocaust, as Bruno's father is a high ranking member of the German army.  The family's home is situated next to what the reader figures out to be a concentration camp.  It is there that Bruno meets a Jewish boy, Shmuel, on the other side of the fence.. and an unlikely friendship develops.  Very easy, quick read.  Decent.

24.  The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (Sept)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Bell-Jar-Sylvia-Plath/dp/0571081789/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345622&sr=1-1
This is another book that needs to explanation.  I read it many, many years ago and decided to pick it back off the shelf for a re-read.  Still powerful to this day!

25.  When God was a Rabbit - Sarah Winman (Sept)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/When-God-Rabbit-Sarah-Winman/dp/0755379292/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345718&sr=1-1
This book is a fiction novel spanning four decades, and details the life of Elly.  It is a story of loss, hope, pain, the bonds of love and how happiness can be found in unlikely times and places.  I really can't explain it.. Very beautiful and hard to put down.

26.  The Power Of Half - Kevin Salwen (Sept)
** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Power-Half-Familys-Decision-Taking/dp/0547248067/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345908&sr=1-1
A non-fiction story of a family who decides to give back to society by downsizing their lives by half.  VERY easy read (I read it in it's entirety while stuck in a walk in clinic for 2 hrs)... The message is great, but I just could not find myself really rooting for the family.  I love the commitment the family had to find a cause they found most worthy, but again, I just couldn't get into this book.

There you have it!  Half way through my goal.. :-)

So, I lied..

Remember how I said I wasn't going to post any more poor me blogs?  Well, I think we all knew that wasn't exactly the truth, right?

I am just finding myself paralyzed with the loneliness of missing the ex.. I am not sure if I really should be going back to see the counsellor I had spoken to last year after we had broken up the first time, as I can feel myself sinking more and more daily.  Seriously, most days I am 30 seconds away from crying.

I just wish I knew WHY I am so consumed with this guy.  Yes, I do love him.  He has hurt me repeatedly, but at the heart of it, I can see the promise in him and miss the potential of what COULD have been.

He isn't single, (so much for his being DONE with dating) so I have a snowballs chance in Hell of getting what my heart needs, but... yeah... I just do not understand WHY I feel the way I do..

I've thought about the fact that if one of my best friends or family had their partner treat them in the way that he treated me, I wouldn't be cheering them on.  Should I not be holding myself up to the same regard as I would hold them - deserving MORE than that?

He was the One.  In my heart, I know it.  The loss is like the death of a partner. 

I just wish I could finally put the final nail into the coffin, rather than pine away...  I wish I could move on and attempt to find someone who would love me as much as I love them... but my heart does not want another.. How do you stop that?  Time?  I've had time.. Time has not healed the wounds... I really don't know..

Any thoughts?

Unwelcome bedmates.

So, I try to keep a very clean home..  I honestly keep a 'schedule' of cleaning so things like cleaning the bathroom is done weekly.. What can I say?  I enjoy cleanliness.

I enjoy watching the show Hoarders, and truth be told, during commercial breaks I will actually clean.  Seeing the disarray of these homes, the filth and the insects that follow makes me shudder and want to avoid anything remotely close to that scenario.

The insects in these homes.. ugh.  I am a complete girl when it comes to insects, especially, in my home - I shriek and panic when I come across a spider.. I had a problem with wasps getting inside (and HOW is still beyond me) a few years back which resulted in me screaming like a banshee while wielding a can of bug spray.  This also took place after I went to open the blinds and a dead one fell an inch from my nose onto the ground...

I had a problem with fruit flies a year ago  (that did not require banshee screaming) - they got in and took up residence in the soil of my houseplants.  I love my houseplants (if my love of gardening tells you anything) and really did not want to part with them... So I suffered a LONG time through fruit flies flying up my nose and landing in my coffee cups... I had the shot glasses of apple cider vinegar and dish soap around... to no avail.  Eventually thanks to the wisdom of my mom, Neem oil saved the day!

Living in an older apartment block, certain insects are common.  The ex who lives in the basement used to mention finding beetles on occasion in his suite... And I have come across silverfish, which are common for apartments..  I do not seem them often, just the odd time in the bathroom (as they like the moisture), and normally have kept  them at bay by the occasional spraying of a bug spray around the perimeter of the bathroom...

SO, that brings me to last night... I has curled up in bed to read before going to sleep and noticed something move out of the corner of my eye.  At first I dismissed it as my imagination (riiiiight) and went back to reading... I looked back at the bedspread and saw one of those aforementioned silverfish slithering towards me. 

Insert overly panicked flailing, tossing of blankets and banshee screaming here.

When I got my wits about me, I climbed off the bed with a tissue and found the bugger on the floor... and squished it....

I figure while I was tidying up, I had picked a few clothes that I had left on the ground onto the bed before hanging them up.. and then climbing into bed... that I had brought my bed mate into bed with me.

Oh Lord.  I can tell you that sleep was not good last night!

Today was spent moving all furniture around in the bedroom to sweep, HAND wash the floor and spray all perimeters with the bugspray...

Because I am thin, it does not give you the right to make comments regarding my weight.

Would anyone DARE to say to someone who has gained weight: "Gee, you're looking a little heavier!"... No.
Would anyone DARE to say to someone who is heavy: "WOW, how much do you weigh?!".. No..

At least I hope people would have the decency to not say those things...

Okay, yes, I have lost some weight over the past year due to stress... I am small, a weight gain/loss of a small amount shows... It does not give people the right to say:

"I know when I lost weight, people asked if I was sick!!.... So... Is everything okay?  ha ha....?"  (And this was BEFORE they said "Oh yeah, good morning!")

"Why don't you go eat?  You look like you just got back from Africa."  (Whaaaat??)

Seriously.  Those exact sentences were uttered to me in the past two days.  It's not a compliment.. It's not right.. I am not sickly thin.. I weigh in the lower range of what is 'normal' for my height and frame..  I eat..

You would never dream of commenting on the weight of someone who is heavy, so why do people think it is okay to comment (maliciously at times) on someone who is thin?

*sigh*  Perhaps I am just a little senstive this week, but please..

One step forward, 2 steps back

God.  How did I end up in this spot again?

I look back over my pathetic sad little blog and see that the progress I had made in the past few months is gone.. I am back to where I started.

After I texted the ex, I ended up calling a friend that night for a late night pep talk and told her the whole story... After a restless sleep I got up and felt sick from worry... The ex ended up texting me saying I was over reacting and had been sleeping.. which I think was a lie.  He said he was going into a meeting and would talk to me later.  Kinda cold.

Anyhow, I ended up texting my friend to thank her for listening to me.. and started discussing another drama going on in my life.  Long story short, I accidentally texted the ex a portion of it where I was talking about confronting someone... WELL, he assumed I was talking about him... So yes, I somehow managed to make the situation even worse... if that was possible.

I sent him a message on FB to clarify the situation as to not bother him at work.. and to no surprise of mine, received no answer there or a call... and nothing today.

He, once again, is gone. 

I just finished reading another book, and one blurb rung out to me.. "Life is so unfair and painful and love is hard to find and you have to take it whenever and wherever you can get it, no matter how brief or how it ends...."

While I think his intentions were not entirely based on love, mine were.  For a few weeks, I was 'home'..

And now?  Now.. I am not so sure where I am or where I will end up.. I can promise you I will not continue to write 'poor me' blogs, as no one wants to read that.. My pain is my own cross to bear, and so it shall be...

Late night post

.... So despite my best intentions, I let him hurt me again.

Everything fell apart today and I just need to get this off my chest.  I can't call anyone as it's way too late.. and I also didn't tell anyone what was going on, as I know they wouldn't understand.

The ex I talked about previously crept back into my life... and though my head said "RUN!!", my heart.. my foolish heart.. let him in...

It started off innocently enough - an odd text here and there from him asking random things.  I ignored them at first.. then gave a polite answer... then I started talking to him...

He started asking me to hang out with him, and I declined at fist... then, I gave in.  My foolish heart gave in...

I was out one evening and he asked if I would come over after... I layed it on the line that I knew he had been dating someone (which ended) and his response was something along the lines of this girl was not for him, and his attempts at dating had failed, which didn't surprise him... he was done with dating..  *I* made sense...

I ended up going over to his place that night... I felt sad afterwards and had a cry when I went back up to my apartment.. What was I doing?  I didn't know..

We continued to talk via text and it started to feel comfortable.. I tried to keep my heart at bay, but it was futile.  I knew I was setting myself up for some pain, but couldn't stop... so I tried to keep my heart at bay.. I tried.. we continued talking via text every day.. and hung out a few times..

I fell back into love and thought maybe, just maybe.. this was it... MAYBE he cared..

Friday night we hung out after I got back from a friend's birthday.. Saturday he texted me while I was at a BBQ after a baseball tournament in the late evening and thanked me for coming over, made some silly texts and told me I was 'sexy'.... then I didn't heart from him Sunday.. which was not weird, as he was out with friends.. but weird because we had talked every day.....

Today rolls around and we are both off work... No calls.. I go to a ball game and think it weird to still not have heard from him all day.. I realize I am MISSING the daily texts... hundreds a day.. silly pictures.. I get home and send a text.. no answer.. I know he is home, so I give it awhile as I think he may be showering... I send another asking how his day was yesterday.. no answer... I peek outside and see his light is off.. He is ignoring me.

My heart takes over and I send a heartfelt message saying I am not sure WHAT I did (because I don't)... that I guess I should have seen this coming and love him and miss him, as always... that this was killing me... that I WISHED he could just feel the same way that I did...

No answer, of course...

I popped onto a dating website and see he has put a profile up... Done with dating?  No.. Done with me again? Yes.

The worst part is, I am not angry at him... I am just sad.  I am disappointed in myself that I LET him do this to me again... Why can't I LEARN?  I'm glad I didn't spend 5 months again getting more involved and getting blindsided.. Not that this hurts less.. I somehow just can't shed a tear at this exact moment.. How can I cry over losing something I never had? 

I can't even tell anyone.. They all warned me in the past that he is not right for me.. Though I love him more than anyone I have ever met, he isn't interested in committing..  His heart isn't right... They saw the pain I was in before and when the months of sympathy and shoulders to cry on started to get old, they told me he wasn't worth the pain if he couldn't realize what he had.  They were upset with me that I was still longing for him and not trying to move on... I mentioned once to someone that he texted me and they told me to block his texts.. I didn't listen, as I didn't want to believe it...

I hate the fact that I should believe that this recent episode has NOTHING to do with me.. I shouldn't be wondering what *I* did wrong, as I didn't.. Maybe he was starting to develop feelings for me again and was scared?  Maybe his old habits of irrational jealously created doubts in his mind of my intentions?  Maybe he was just using me..?  Maybe I DID do or say something wrong... Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep my emotions at bay and been a little stand offish at times.. I don't know.. and i probably never will..

I just know that I tried to keep my heart at bay to protect it, but I failed.

Again.

15 things you may not know about me, and may not even care to know.

1.  The song Fast Car by Tracy Chapman makes me tear up EVERY time I hear it.. and I don't know why.
2.  I have been a vegetarian for close to 16 yrs.
3.  I am not driven by ego in the least - I don't relish being the center of attention (I avoid it) and am so uncompetitive, I actually go out of my way to not be competitive, if that makes sense.
4.  On the same token, I am extremely fragile when it comes to criticism towards myself.. Harmless words can crush me and stay with me way longer than they should.
5.  I have two left feet when it comes to dancing.. My skills have been equated to "You look like a muppet!" and compared to the dancing in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
6.  I love that electric feeling you get when you hold the hand of a person you like for the first time.
7.  I'm a hopeless romantic in the sense that I love the whole aspect of BEING in love.
8.  I try to see the 'good' in everyone, and believe everyone has something in them that you can appreciate.
9.  I am stubbornly independent at times.  I will refuse to ask for help and carry boxes that are larger than I am up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment.
10.  My guilty pleasure in life is watching TMZ.
11.  I am more of a thinker than a talker, and often struggle with finding the right words.
12.  I am fiercely loyal to the people I care about and will take the 'punches' to protect them.
13.  I loved my dog more than I like some people.
14.  I have a horrible singing voice, but wish I COULD sing just to be able to karaoke.
15.  I can eat a disgusting amount of cheese in one sitting.

Wisdom.

Stay strong.  Be courageous.  Listen to your head rather than your heart.  Learn from the past.

Those things are often harder to do than you think...

I *KNOW* what I wish for myself from life, what I deserve, etc.. but sometimes when an opportunity is plunked right down in front of you, even though you MAY know it is not for the best, it is difficult to walk away..

Ugh.  Be strong.  Be strong.

It is difficult to really know what someone elses intentions are.  I have learned that naively believing the 'best' in everyone is not always a wise move.  Sadly, in today's society, people will often mistaken kindness for weakness and prey on that and exploit it.. People mess up, yes, but often their intentions are not pure or right, no matter how much they try to tell you otherwise... I really need to learn to keep that in mind.

What a wonderful weekend!  Dinner for a birthday, trip to the Farmer's Market and a day at the beach!  Perfection.  Sadly though, I can ALREADY feel fall creeping in.. you can feel a marked difference in the way the air feels (nevermind the fact it dips down to the high teens at night now)

A few photos to showcase the weekend



Cookies at the market



Flowers





Garlic stand.. this made me stupidly happy



Homemade jams/jellies/relishes

An AMAZING pile of radishes!!

The veggies available that day



Various cucs and squash



More veggies









Fresh baked breads

A friend is building an amazing cabin - it's still under works, but as you can see it will be a pretty grand place when done.  It's close to the beach, so work is mixed with time on the inflatible island!



The island!



To prove I was there ;-)





Standing on one side



The bathroom leaves something to be desire

 

Wordless Wednesday

I was going through my receipts and found this one from the May long weekend... So, NOW I know where my money goes. ♥

The one with the epic fail

So, I was talking to my sister the other night about the stress I have been under (as previously mentioned.. and this has amplified, but I am going to refrain from talking about it...) and how I can't help but over think situations, leading to a lack of sleep and such (being I am now physically ill.. which happens when I am stressed, as normally I am not prone to illness)...  She suggested that when I am home alone, I should grab a book and head to a Starbucks for a coffee and people watching..... and oh yes, this is a great way for cute single guys to come up and approach a cute single girl.

I decided to give this a try this weekend as friends were out of town or at the football game.  Nothing to do.

Problem A) I didn't feel like a cup of coffee.  I decided I really wanted to have a drink drink.  And yes, I am aware of the fact that going for a drink ALONE sounds like the start of an episode of Intervention.  I don't drink much/often/alone normally.  I just really felt like a cold one. 

Problem B) My choice of location for this endeavor.  I COULD have gone to say, Boston Pizza... but oh no, I decided to hit up a watering hole down the street from my home.  It's located inside of a hotel chain that also has two nightclubs attached to it. It's basically a gaming  lounge.  Not exactly a classy place.

Anyhow, I went for a little drive to run an errand, and as I was coming home stopped at the hotel.  Upon entering the lounge I thought: "Hey!  This isn't too bad!".  It was clean and fairly quiet.  People were plugging away at the VLTS or watching the horse races on one of the televisions. 

I grabbed a drink from the bar and sat off to the side.  At first I people watched for a while, and then pulled out a book, as I always have one on my person.    A few minutes later, a cute guy approached and asked what I was reading.  Hello!  Score one sister for saying this works!!  He then asked if I was alone and could join me.  I told a little white lie that I was just stopping in to kill time before I met up with friends, in case I needed to make a run for it... but as we started talking, I figured this wasn't necessary.

We talked for about an hour...I wasn't really feeling any spark, but thought I might hang out with him again to see and THEN, this conversation played out:

Him: Would you like another drink?
Me: No, thanks.  I really do need to be heading out..
Him: Oh, that's too bad!  I have really enjoyed talking to you!
Me: Me too - it's been fun.
Him: Sooo... want to take me home?
Me: What?  Uhm.... no.
Him: Hah.  I was kidding!  Okay.. not really.. So?
Me: yeeeeah.  No. I am not that kind of person.   Soooo.. I really should be going.
Him: are you SURE I can't walk you home?
Me: No.. I'm okay.  Really.  <insert a bolt for the door>

Lesson learned.  A book alone in a decent place = cute guys approaching.  A book alone in a gaming lounge in a hotel = cute creeps approaching.

I came home, shot my sister a text that her idea is super, I just failed at the proper location.  At least we could share a good laugh about it! :-)

The one with the shady apartment.

Well, the end of this week has been INTERESTING to say that least.

So, at the beginning of the year the building that I live in got a new caretaker.  From the very start, something about this fellow didn't rub me the right way.  As time progressed, I continued to dislike this fellow and other tenants I talk to have echoed this disdain - his work ethic is horrible, for starters.

He is NEVER home (or coming to the door when he IS home) when you want to drop off your rent cheque (I pay with cheque, so it isn't a big deal to me, as I can slide it under the door, but others who pay with cash ((WHY?! beyond me)) have complained they are 'late' with rent as they can't give the money to him) or when you have a concern or complaint.  Calling him?  Also never an option, as he is never available on that end.

The maintenance of the building is lacking.  My building is privately owned, and the owners take great care in the upkeep.  The caretaker though, is to A) cut the grass in the summer (which I haven't seen him do once - but with the lack of rain and extreme heat it isn't growing fast) B) water the lawn (it is so sun burnt is looks dead.  C) Trim the hedges out front (another tenant took it upon herself to do so as they were beyond wild) D) Keep the laundry rooms clean (Some of my neighbours clean the one closest to me, but the ones on other floors are dusty beyond belief  E) Clean the windows (The same finger prints have been there for weeks) F) Vacuum the halls (this is done so infrequently, I see the same garbage on the floor for weeks).

As a person?  I am 95% sure he is a drug addict.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  His face is full of scabs and scars.  I wasn't sure at first if this was acne scaring (but for a man in his probable 40s?).. but METH face comes to mind.  He is also always wearing sunglasses (even at night ala Cory Hart).. The sealing point for me was when company of his was carted away via ambulance for an overdose (Caretaker lives around the corner from my place and I could hear the paramedics talking)...

I often saw cars pull up and him hop in for a minute or two before getting out.. Drug deal?  That is what I and others assume. 

I don't like to make assumptions, as with my line of work you get surprises.  A man with Hep C who 'lives with two other men' turned out to be a religious figure who lived in the church with two other religious figures and contracted the disease on a missionary trip in the 70s.  You can't assume the worst... But I digress.

Anyhow, that brings me to this week.  I came home to find a notice from the owner stating that Caretaker would no longer be care-taking as of that day.

WELL, it was grand central station outside the building for talk of this.  To make a long story short, it turns out that Caretaker has A) 'Interviewed' people looking to rent a vacant suite, took deposits from them and pocketed the money. This came to light when these people came back at the beginning of this month to see what gives... and went to the owner, thankfully.  B) Entered suites without the knowledge of tenants and money has gone missing (I have heard two people mention this) (I also now love the fact my nosy neighbour is ALWAYS home and is nosy.. therefore would notice if something was up in my place) C) Asked tenants if they could lend him money (multiple people mentioned this)  D) Asked a tenant who pays in cash (again, WHY not cheques??) if he would tell the owner he was 'late' with rent as Caretaker wanted to 'borrow' some of the money and would pay it back at the end of the week.. they declined, thankfully, and contacted the owner.

Fellow tenants and I are a little alarmed that Caretaker is still LIVING in the building.  Does he still have the pass key to all suites?  If not, has he made a copy?  WHY on earth if there is THEFT involved is he allowed to be HERE??  A few tenants are planning to request their locks be changed.. I am not against that idea.

I just want to point out that my building is not normally full of any drama.  It's quiet.  There are some quirky people here, but they are honest hardworking people at the heart of it.  I live in a middle-class area of the city, not prone to major crime, as well. 

I ended up doing a scan of my place to see if anything was missing, as back in April when I went to Mexico I had left him a note stating I was going away and if there was any concerns to contact my parents.  I kick myself NOW for not telling my nosy neighbour or another lady in the apartment who I am friendly with instead.. I guess I just never thought I would have to worry my caretaker might be entering looking to steal.. I do have insurance, but really, should I have to use it if a person of power is abusing that and not because of (God forbid) what I purchased it for - fire, etc.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out, as apparently the owner is contacting the police.

Weekends and reminders..

What an amazing August long weekend!

After the huge heartache last week, I really needed a good weekend away to get my mind off of things.. and a trip out to best friend's trailer with a group of friends was the ticket!

The sunny days were perfect for us to enjoy trips onto the lake to enjoy some swimming, water skiing & tubing.  We sat around a bonfires every night to chat and listen to music.  Good friends and good eats.  The park hosted a 'kids day' where they had games like three-legged races, horse shoe toss, a bouncy house (that I volunteered for an hour at to keep the kids at the park from bouncing out into the lake.. ya know), a free BBQ and pony rides - my friend's little ones were in their glory.  We also had a water balloon fight to cool down and just had a great time with the group of 12 of us.

We only had one incident where I actually caught a neighbour of my friend's going into their trailer (while everyone else was down on the dike watching a group waterski) to help himself to another guest C's beer.  My friend's have had a few talks with this neighbour about some shady things he has done.. Seeing as the person whose beer was taken is not confrontational at ALL, I was forced to have a talk with this neighbour (who I also know)... They became VERY angry with *ME* for calling them out on it.  His excuse?  His own were not cold enough.  That gives you the right to basically steal someone elses?  We may have been in the country, but that is basically theft, thankyouverymuch.  C was very thankful I stood up for them, and honestly, I will live with this person being angry with me.. I have no patience for behaviour like that.  I am actually also impressed with myself FOR taking that stand.  I am not generally a confrontational person, especially after the blow outs with the ex... I was proud of myself really.

Sadly, back into the city I was slammed head on with reminders of last week.. I am having a very hard time trying to really move forward from this.  I am actually contemplating going back to see the counsellor I saw when R and I split up the first time last year. 

Through her help I came to learn a lot about myself, about why I act/react the way I do (giving people the benefit of the doubt when I should really turn my back).. learned more about standing up for myself.. I learnt a lot about why R is the way he is.. I think it would be in my best benefit to either re-read the literature she provided me about emotionally abusive relationships and rebuilding or to make a visit again... seeing as my last visit was a year ago the DAY that I realized R was moving into my apartment building.  Funny how that works.. I rebuilt my house of cards and he came in like the wind the moment is was completed..

I honestly cannot keep living this way as it is killing me.

On a somewhat funny side note, my lack of being able to sleep in the past while caught up with me on the weekend and I crashed hard Friday night.  HOWEVER, I also awoke around 3 when a friend was coming into the trailer to go to bed.  I was so disorientated that I thought I was at home.  My first thought was "Someone is making a lot of noise in the hallway..." then moved onto "SOMEONE is IN my apartment!!!!!!".... Did I bolt out of bed?  No.. Did I yell out?  Noooo.. What is my attack move when a break in occurs?  I pulled the blanket up over  my head and shook like a leaf until I realized where I was. 

Good grief.  THAT is what I would do when confronted with an intruder?  Hide under a blanket and hope they don't see me?  Heh.  I had to laugh at it, really..

Long boring pity post.. You are warned.

I know I said before I didn't like posting the poor me blogs.. but I can't help but have to post one today..

Seeing the person you were going to marry with their new girlfriend is horrible.  Beyond horrible.

Ultimately, I KNEW it was a matter of time (he was on online dating sites the same week (maybe before for all I know) we 'offically' ended things) until this happened.. That knowledge doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it change the fact that I had a faint glimmer of hope that just perhaps things could work out..

Perhaps I am naive enough to believe that someone couldn't tell you such amazing things and not still feel those things.. 

Regardless, I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach...

So, after texting my best friend and sis to tell them about my day to help prevent me from having a complete melt down, best friend showed up to hang out for a bit and have a beer before we headed back to her home to have a BBQ for a friend who is in from out of town.

Around quarter after 9 I checked my phone to see if another friend had texted to say they were going to come down and see I have a new text... from the ex...??! Asking if I had given him back a DVD of a television show (that he had given to me as a gift, but I gave him back when we broke up the first time last year) as he couldn't find it.  I responded saying that I didn't have it.. He texts me back saying: "Okay, thanks! It must be around here somewhere.. I had downloaded a few episodes and was watching them with <male friend>, I wanted to loan him the first season as he really liked it."... I didn't respond to it and a few moments later he writes: "He's been helping me with my truck, it's the least I can do!"...

It made it all the worse to know he was telling me a lie about who he was watching it with.. Every time I have seen him recently (crossing paths at home here) he ignores me and shoots me looks that could kill (which is petty and speaks volumes about his character) but he decides to text me with way more info than what is necessary to lie to me? 

Ugh.  I took the high rode and chose to NOT to bust him on his lie.. What would that prove? 

You may wonder WHY I am obsessing over this so much... or may think I am crazy... Here is the deal: 
We dated for under a year and a half, basically.  It was tumultuous to say the least.  We both have our own insecurities that were amplified together - his jealousy/trust issues and my personal lack of self esteem (which is another blog in itself)..  caused some huge arguments... Another issue was the fact that I am very traditional in the sense that I firmly believe in marriage and want to have children one day.  He had a messy divorce and was anti marriage..  This was a huge sore point for us.  You can't compromise that.

The longer we were together he told me that he loved me, blah blah blah, changed his mind on marriage and took me shopping to look at engagement rings.  Once more talk of marriage went on, he 'changed' his mind.  If I am lucky enough to ever marry, I want my family and friends to be there.  He didn't want a big wedding - 30 guests each sort of thing.  That was a fight.  Being religious, I was pro church wedding.. he was not.  Fight again.  In the end, he decided I was unreasonable with wedding ideas and said he didn't want to marry.

Oh yes, in this time we also went to Las Vegas with a group of people for my 30th birthday.  He proposed this plan to me: We get married there IN SECRET and when we got home we would be married, but we would not TELL anyone and not live together.. down the road we would throw a party and surprise people. 

As you can imagine, I nixed this idea.  This was also a fight as if marriage was so important to me, I would have done this.. 

We broke up last year, and got back together in the summer.. I told him when we were just starting to date again that if he was not open to marriage, we were wasting each others time.  He said we would discuss it.. He could see it.  I was straight forward in the fact I would not be 80 yrs old and be someones girlfriend.  I offered up us going to counselling together to help communicate better and work out the issues.. He told me we would do this if we could get back together.. and took back that offer later on..

It continued to be a sore point.. and he also decided he wasn't sure he wanted children anymore..

Okay.. so if you are still reading this you are probably wondering- WHY am I upset?  I am not selling him as being anything but a jerk..  It was the fact that despite our fights, we connected in a way that was amazing. 

I know the history of his marriage and his upbringing (which details he told me he had never trusted anyone else prior to know) and for him to consider marriage with me was huge.  He was the first person I wanted to marry. 

I have huge insecurities about my own self - due to what basically is a birth defect.  If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't notice, but it's there.  The only people who knew were my parents up until that point (This is something I talked about in a prior post about how much is too much.. and may talk about in the future) He was the FIRST partner I told about this and accepted it no strings attached.  He told me details of his life that he (claims) he never told anyone else.. We had a deep connection.

I have never 'clicked' with someone in the way we clicked.  When the relationship was good, it was excellent.  When it was bad, it was him screaming at me while I was crumpled on the floor sobbing pathetically for him to not leave.

I actually tear up as I write that last line..

I developed such stress from the relationship that I was physically sick - getting colds left and right.. infections.. facial eczema.. I lost weight.. I am quite petite in the first place, and my weight dropped down to the close to double digits..  To the point I could visibly see every rib.. BUT I loved him and tried to make myself believe things would impove and that no relationship is perfect.

I saw the good side of him that brought me flowers and layed on the couch with me for hours when my dog died, that would mush his face against mine repeatedly to make me laugh, the person who sent me love poems by Pablo Neruda, a guy that would announce at midnight that we really needed Pita Pit and drive across the city with me to find one that was open, that pulled me into the nook of his armpit at night to sleep and would sneak up behind me during the day to smell my hair.. I saw the good.. I saw the person that let himself be vulnerable.  I saw what he could be...

I won't go into details of his past, but his upbringing is painful.  Anyone who went through what he went through would be troubled.. Anyone who went through what he went through and refused to seek counselling would have issues.. That is who I also saw.  I saw him pull the same stunts on me that he did with an exgirlfriend - crazy accusations, jealously, manipulation..

I so strongly wanted to believe that the good could trump the bad that I sold myself out for it... I tried so hard it is pathetic in someways..

I am still naive enough to believe that the person I loved is in there... and could still love me back...

That is why I am having a hard time seeing him move on..  He may have stopped loving me, but I never left.

A lesson in humility

So, I attended a wedding this evening of my oldest friend.

Sounds lovely, right?

In theory, it is.  In reality - not quite as much.

To give you a little background on the story: My friend C's is 3 months younger than I am.  Her family lived across the street from my family for the first few years of our lives.  Before she was school aged, her family moved to what what considered a town outside of the city I live in (which urban sprawl, it's now just the far end of a suburb - go figure).  We still kept in contact, mostly via LETTERS (Imagine that!) and the occasional sleepover.  Even though we didn't attend any of the same schools, we remained close friends.  C got her teaching degree and moved out to Thailand to teach English.  It was there she met her now husband who was traveling from Sweden, where they now live.  They married in Sweden at the beginning of the month, and today was the celebration for her Canadian family and friends who could not be in Sweden for the actual wedding...

That brings us to today.

A) My sister was invited to the wedding, but couldn't make it out as she had plans with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday.  THAT meant I was going solo.  To a wedding where I knew NO one.  That was bad enough in itself.
B) We are going through a heatwave right now and it felt like 36C with the humidity today.. The wedding was an outdoor evening event held at her parents place.

I get to the wedding looking pretty sharp, if I may say so myself, and after standing awkwardly by myself with a glass of champagne a few gals invited me to stand with them and chat while we ate tapas, etc... which I was thankful for.  After eating, the heat was REALLY getting to me and I began to feel ill.  I went up to the bar area to grab a cold water and as I teetered in my 3" heels on the way back..... I fainted.

I bloodied up one of my legs and poured my water over myself.  C came running up and made sure I was okay.. I sat down and still felt horrible.  She told me to head inside to her folks basement to cool down in the airconditioning.  I staggered in (refusing to admit I was feeling as bad as I did, in true to my form stubborn fashion) and sat on the step for a few moments until one of the catering staff and a random Swede helped me downstairs (I slide down on my bum as I didn't trust myself to navigate stairs in heels) and brought me water and a cool cloth.

There I sat humiliated for about 20 minutes.  I texted my sis and best friend to share my humiliation.  When I finally felt better, I went back upstairs where speeches were under way.

OH YES, C's sister mentioned me as C's oldest friend... so everyone turned to look at me...

Those gals who were talking to me before?  They wouldn't even LOOK at me after.  Presumably thinking I was drunk and fell over, not heat exhausted.

I waited out the speeches, apologized to C for making a scene, stayed to watch them dance a song and left.

Why me?