Day 15..

So, the veil of medication fogginess has lifted!  Hallelujah!  It is wonderful to feel like myself again. 

HOWEVER, the cravings have started.  Seriously, for the past two evenings my thoughts are consumed by the thought of smoking.  So much for "I have no cravings!". 

As I was leaving work today, I walked by someone smoking and purposely walked as close as possible without being creepy and inhaled as deeply as I could.  I stopped short of asking this stranger to kindly blow some smoke in my face.. but don't think I didn't actually THINK it :-)

As an incentive to kick the habit, my employer offers employees $100 yearly (used to be once a lifetime, but I guess they realize people often are not able to quit the first time they try... According to my doctor, more like the 7th!) for smoking cessation products. I took advantage of this offer and loaded up on the lozenges and gums prior to quitting, and have been using them the past few days... ALOT.. and feeling angry stuck in traffic sucking on a lozenge wishing I was actually smoking.

I am not sure if it was just the medication fog that stopped my cravings, or the fact I was still having those 3 cigs a day..?  Who knows.  I've cut myself down to ONE a day right now (Why not just not smoke at all if I am having one?  Don't ask).. and am hoping to be down to zero in the next little while..

At this very moment, I really wish that I had NEVER even started smoking.  I am honestly being WAY more serious about quitting than I ever have before...In the past, I didn't really test my willpower.. I caved too easily.  I suppose I could say that I wasn't ready then...  I can't say that I am READY now, per say, as I really didn't WANT to quit as I may have mentioned before.. I just know it is time.

I am reminding myself this is for the best (and going to put some money away each week I don't smoke to reward myself in the end (when is the end?) ) and that this is not a temporary event..  I cannot get through these 3 months and start again.  This is a FOREVER thing, I hope.

I can NEVER be a social smoker.  I know ex-smokers who quit when they became pregnant, but will maybe once or twice a year have a smoke.  I doubt I could..  It's a slippery slope.  I have also witnessed others try to social smoke and end up right back as a smoker.

I don't want that to be me.

I may not be ready to quit, but I AM ready to get it my best shot... no matter how horrible it feels right now.