It's going to be a LONG haul.

So, I have a nasty little habit...

I smoke.

Yes, yes.  I know.  I know.  I had made the commitment to quit last year, and succeeded for about 6 or 7 months (I can't recall) but fell back into it due to the stress in my life.

Seriously.  I hit the gym about 6 days a week.  I eat healthy the majority of the time.  I basically lead a very healthy lifestyle - minus the smoking.  How insane is it that I could leave the gym after a great work out and light up a cig?  I know.

I decided this year that I really NEEDED to quit.  It is getting way too expensive (and a waste of money at that), and most importantly,  I worry about my health.

Anyhow, I got a prescription for Zyban earlier this year from my doc.  I hummed and hawed about WHEN the best time to quit was (excuses, excuses) and realized summer was not it - I am not a big drinker, but in the summer I do enjoy some wobbly pops on a hot day out on a patio.  If any of you smoke or have ever smoked - you know drinking and smoking seem to pair up together... when you drink, you want to smoke. 

Alot.

I then decided: "September will be the time!"... well, it rolled around and I didn't start the quitting process... I decided: "My BIRTHDAY is in October - I want to be able to have a drink on my BIRTHDAY!" (they recommend not drinking while on Zyban as it increases seizure risk)... so I didn't start then.. I also realized I was actually scared of quitting.

I know that sounds insane.  Scared to quit smoking?  I can't explain it - as horrible and disgusting of a habit as it is - I enjoy it.  During a crazy hectic day at work (which is it 90% of the time)  - it is nice to step outside and have a moment away.  I enjoyed sitting on my front stoop, watching traffic go by and having a puff.  It has been such a habit to me that I was actually sad to be leaving it behind.   At any rate, October passed as did November.

December 1st came and I popped my first Zyban.  It was time.  I didn't think about it.  I just did it.

It takes about a week for the medication to fully enter your system.. and wow.. is this experience ever different than the last time I used Zyban.  The last time I used it I still had cravings for cigarettes.. so I would occasionally use one of those nicotine replacement lozenges..

This time?  On about day 8, I no longer had any cravings.  Nada!  Great?  Yes.. but the other side effects.. Oh man..

Zyban is known to cause very vivid crazy dreams.  Not a big deal, and actually kinda cool... at first.  Last night I had dreams about my apartment being invaded by rats.  Horrible.  I have had a few other crazy nightmare like dreams as well..

Speaking of sleeping, I am having a hard time doing so.  I already have a difficult time with sleeping, but now on an average night, I sleep for about 3 hrs then am up every hour on the hour... Or just can't sleep at all. 

The nervous energy... I have a hard time sitting still.   I end up tapping my leg after awhile...

I catch myself zoning out often.  I will start to daydream and catch myself sitting there slack jawed.  Literally.  It will only be for a few moments, but still.

I actually feel "simple", for lack of better words, at times.  IE I was brushing my hair this morning and noticed how long it had actually gotten.  I proclaimed to myself out loud: "My hair.. is long.".  Whaaaaat?  I actually looked at myself in the mirror and started laughing at myself.  I am a little forgetful as well, which is not me.. I sometimes struggle with making conversation as I feel a little fuzzy headed.

I have no cravings for the cigs, but I also have no craving for food.  I have NO appetite.  The theory you gain weight when you quit smoking?  Yup.. don't think that will happen.  I eat because I know I need to eat, not because my body is saying I am hungry.  I also cannot eat much without feeling uncomfortable..

I am much colder than usual (especially my hands and feet)... but notice I also get periods where I am sweating an unusual amount and for no good reason (not exerting myself).

My mouth is soooo dry..

I had a scary experience the other evening where I actually panicked - out of the blue, my right arm/hand had a strange pins and needles throughout it.  My left cheek was also numb.  I went outside to throw the garbage out and my hand became so cold it was painful.  I couldn't warm it up (and it was noticably colder than my left hand) either.. I started to panic in proper hypochondriac nature: "I am having a stoke!".  I managed to pacify myself by googling the side effects and realizing this is a rare one, but one... I am also one of those people who generally doesn't react to medications well - I get side effects.

I was driving home from a Christmas function last night and was reflecting on a conversation I had had with a friend about the medication.. She asked how long I was going to be on it:  3 months, I informed her... and yep, it had been an interesting 10 days thus far... and only 80 more to go! Ha!

I fully admit that I am still smoking a bit.  I know I said no cravings, but I am trying to break the habit/routine.  I have smoked my fist smoke of the day on the way to work and when I leave work.  I may have one in the evening.... 3 a day.  That is waaaay different than prior.  I actually do not even get the same feeling from having the cig as I did prior - the first one in the morning was a.. relief sort of feeling.  A rush, if you will... I realized as I smoked that I was taking NO pleasure in it... which is a good thing.. I think this is also the nervousness about quitting coming into play.. keeping a small piece for now.

I'm 11 days in.. but well on my way.  I just hope these crazy side effects pass...