One step forward, 2 steps back

God.  How did I end up in this spot again?

I look back over my pathetic sad little blog and see that the progress I had made in the past few months is gone.. I am back to where I started.

After I texted the ex, I ended up calling a friend that night for a late night pep talk and told her the whole story... After a restless sleep I got up and felt sick from worry... The ex ended up texting me saying I was over reacting and had been sleeping.. which I think was a lie.  He said he was going into a meeting and would talk to me later.  Kinda cold.

Anyhow, I ended up texting my friend to thank her for listening to me.. and started discussing another drama going on in my life.  Long story short, I accidentally texted the ex a portion of it where I was talking about confronting someone... WELL, he assumed I was talking about him... So yes, I somehow managed to make the situation even worse... if that was possible.

I sent him a message on FB to clarify the situation as to not bother him at work.. and to no surprise of mine, received no answer there or a call... and nothing today.

He, once again, is gone. 

I just finished reading another book, and one blurb rung out to me.. "Life is so unfair and painful and love is hard to find and you have to take it whenever and wherever you can get it, no matter how brief or how it ends...."

While I think his intentions were not entirely based on love, mine were.  For a few weeks, I was 'home'..

And now?  Now.. I am not so sure where I am or where I will end up.. I can promise you I will not continue to write 'poor me' blogs, as no one wants to read that.. My pain is my own cross to bear, and so it shall be...

Late night post

.... So despite my best intentions, I let him hurt me again.

Everything fell apart today and I just need to get this off my chest.  I can't call anyone as it's way too late.. and I also didn't tell anyone what was going on, as I know they wouldn't understand.

The ex I talked about previously crept back into my life... and though my head said "RUN!!", my heart.. my foolish heart.. let him in...

It started off innocently enough - an odd text here and there from him asking random things.  I ignored them at first.. then gave a polite answer... then I started talking to him...

He started asking me to hang out with him, and I declined at fist... then, I gave in.  My foolish heart gave in...

I was out one evening and he asked if I would come over after... I layed it on the line that I knew he had been dating someone (which ended) and his response was something along the lines of this girl was not for him, and his attempts at dating had failed, which didn't surprise him... he was done with dating..  *I* made sense...

I ended up going over to his place that night... I felt sad afterwards and had a cry when I went back up to my apartment.. What was I doing?  I didn't know..

We continued to talk via text and it started to feel comfortable.. I tried to keep my heart at bay, but it was futile.  I knew I was setting myself up for some pain, but couldn't stop... so I tried to keep my heart at bay.. I tried.. we continued talking via text every day.. and hung out a few times..

I fell back into love and thought maybe, just maybe.. this was it... MAYBE he cared..

Friday night we hung out after I got back from a friend's birthday.. Saturday he texted me while I was at a BBQ after a baseball tournament in the late evening and thanked me for coming over, made some silly texts and told me I was 'sexy'.... then I didn't heart from him Sunday.. which was not weird, as he was out with friends.. but weird because we had talked every day.....

Today rolls around and we are both off work... No calls.. I go to a ball game and think it weird to still not have heard from him all day.. I realize I am MISSING the daily texts... hundreds a day.. silly pictures.. I get home and send a text.. no answer.. I know he is home, so I give it awhile as I think he may be showering... I send another asking how his day was yesterday.. no answer... I peek outside and see his light is off.. He is ignoring me.

My heart takes over and I send a heartfelt message saying I am not sure WHAT I did (because I don't)... that I guess I should have seen this coming and love him and miss him, as always... that this was killing me... that I WISHED he could just feel the same way that I did...

No answer, of course...

I popped onto a dating website and see he has put a profile up... Done with dating?  No.. Done with me again? Yes.

The worst part is, I am not angry at him... I am just sad.  I am disappointed in myself that I LET him do this to me again... Why can't I LEARN?  I'm glad I didn't spend 5 months again getting more involved and getting blindsided.. Not that this hurts less.. I somehow just can't shed a tear at this exact moment.. How can I cry over losing something I never had? 

I can't even tell anyone.. They all warned me in the past that he is not right for me.. Though I love him more than anyone I have ever met, he isn't interested in committing..  His heart isn't right... They saw the pain I was in before and when the months of sympathy and shoulders to cry on started to get old, they told me he wasn't worth the pain if he couldn't realize what he had.  They were upset with me that I was still longing for him and not trying to move on... I mentioned once to someone that he texted me and they told me to block his texts.. I didn't listen, as I didn't want to believe it...

I hate the fact that I should believe that this recent episode has NOTHING to do with me.. I shouldn't be wondering what *I* did wrong, as I didn't.. Maybe he was starting to develop feelings for me again and was scared?  Maybe his old habits of irrational jealously created doubts in his mind of my intentions?  Maybe he was just using me..?  Maybe I DID do or say something wrong... Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep my emotions at bay and been a little stand offish at times.. I don't know.. and i probably never will..

I just know that I tried to keep my heart at bay to protect it, but I failed.

Again.

15 things you may not know about me, and may not even care to know.

1.  The song Fast Car by Tracy Chapman makes me tear up EVERY time I hear it.. and I don't know why.
2.  I have been a vegetarian for close to 16 yrs.
3.  I am not driven by ego in the least - I don't relish being the center of attention (I avoid it) and am so uncompetitive, I actually go out of my way to not be competitive, if that makes sense.
4.  On the same token, I am extremely fragile when it comes to criticism towards myself.. Harmless words can crush me and stay with me way longer than they should.
5.  I have two left feet when it comes to dancing.. My skills have been equated to "You look like a muppet!" and compared to the dancing in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
6.  I love that electric feeling you get when you hold the hand of a person you like for the first time.
7.  I'm a hopeless romantic in the sense that I love the whole aspect of BEING in love.
8.  I try to see the 'good' in everyone, and believe everyone has something in them that you can appreciate.
9.  I am stubbornly independent at times.  I will refuse to ask for help and carry boxes that are larger than I am up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment.
10.  My guilty pleasure in life is watching TMZ.
11.  I am more of a thinker than a talker, and often struggle with finding the right words.
12.  I am fiercely loyal to the people I care about and will take the 'punches' to protect them.
13.  I loved my dog more than I like some people.
14.  I have a horrible singing voice, but wish I COULD sing just to be able to karaoke.
15.  I can eat a disgusting amount of cheese in one sitting.

Wisdom.

Stay strong.  Be courageous.  Listen to your head rather than your heart.  Learn from the past.

Those things are often harder to do than you think...

I *KNOW* what I wish for myself from life, what I deserve, etc.. but sometimes when an opportunity is plunked right down in front of you, even though you MAY know it is not for the best, it is difficult to walk away..

Ugh.  Be strong.  Be strong.

It is difficult to really know what someone elses intentions are.  I have learned that naively believing the 'best' in everyone is not always a wise move.  Sadly, in today's society, people will often mistaken kindness for weakness and prey on that and exploit it.. People mess up, yes, but often their intentions are not pure or right, no matter how much they try to tell you otherwise... I really need to learn to keep that in mind.

What a wonderful weekend!  Dinner for a birthday, trip to the Farmer's Market and a day at the beach!  Perfection.  Sadly though, I can ALREADY feel fall creeping in.. you can feel a marked difference in the way the air feels (nevermind the fact it dips down to the high teens at night now)

A few photos to showcase the weekend



Cookies at the market



Flowers





Garlic stand.. this made me stupidly happy



Homemade jams/jellies/relishes

An AMAZING pile of radishes!!

The veggies available that day



Various cucs and squash



More veggies









Fresh baked breads

A friend is building an amazing cabin - it's still under works, but as you can see it will be a pretty grand place when done.  It's close to the beach, so work is mixed with time on the inflatible island!



The island!



To prove I was there ;-)





Standing on one side



The bathroom leaves something to be desire

 

Wordless Wednesday

I was going through my receipts and found this one from the May long weekend... So, NOW I know where my money goes. ♥

The one with the epic fail

So, I was talking to my sister the other night about the stress I have been under (as previously mentioned.. and this has amplified, but I am going to refrain from talking about it...) and how I can't help but over think situations, leading to a lack of sleep and such (being I am now physically ill.. which happens when I am stressed, as normally I am not prone to illness)...  She suggested that when I am home alone, I should grab a book and head to a Starbucks for a coffee and people watching..... and oh yes, this is a great way for cute single guys to come up and approach a cute single girl.

I decided to give this a try this weekend as friends were out of town or at the football game.  Nothing to do.

Problem A) I didn't feel like a cup of coffee.  I decided I really wanted to have a drink drink.  And yes, I am aware of the fact that going for a drink ALONE sounds like the start of an episode of Intervention.  I don't drink much/often/alone normally.  I just really felt like a cold one. 

Problem B) My choice of location for this endeavor.  I COULD have gone to say, Boston Pizza... but oh no, I decided to hit up a watering hole down the street from my home.  It's located inside of a hotel chain that also has two nightclubs attached to it. It's basically a gaming  lounge.  Not exactly a classy place.

Anyhow, I went for a little drive to run an errand, and as I was coming home stopped at the hotel.  Upon entering the lounge I thought: "Hey!  This isn't too bad!".  It was clean and fairly quiet.  People were plugging away at the VLTS or watching the horse races on one of the televisions. 

I grabbed a drink from the bar and sat off to the side.  At first I people watched for a while, and then pulled out a book, as I always have one on my person.    A few minutes later, a cute guy approached and asked what I was reading.  Hello!  Score one sister for saying this works!!  He then asked if I was alone and could join me.  I told a little white lie that I was just stopping in to kill time before I met up with friends, in case I needed to make a run for it... but as we started talking, I figured this wasn't necessary.

We talked for about an hour...I wasn't really feeling any spark, but thought I might hang out with him again to see and THEN, this conversation played out:

Him: Would you like another drink?
Me: No, thanks.  I really do need to be heading out..
Him: Oh, that's too bad!  I have really enjoyed talking to you!
Me: Me too - it's been fun.
Him: Sooo... want to take me home?
Me: What?  Uhm.... no.
Him: Hah.  I was kidding!  Okay.. not really.. So?
Me: yeeeeah.  No. I am not that kind of person.   Soooo.. I really should be going.
Him: are you SURE I can't walk you home?
Me: No.. I'm okay.  Really.  <insert a bolt for the door>

Lesson learned.  A book alone in a decent place = cute guys approaching.  A book alone in a gaming lounge in a hotel = cute creeps approaching.

I came home, shot my sister a text that her idea is super, I just failed at the proper location.  At least we could share a good laugh about it! :-)

The one with the shady apartment.

Well, the end of this week has been INTERESTING to say that least.

So, at the beginning of the year the building that I live in got a new caretaker.  From the very start, something about this fellow didn't rub me the right way.  As time progressed, I continued to dislike this fellow and other tenants I talk to have echoed this disdain - his work ethic is horrible, for starters.

He is NEVER home (or coming to the door when he IS home) when you want to drop off your rent cheque (I pay with cheque, so it isn't a big deal to me, as I can slide it under the door, but others who pay with cash ((WHY?! beyond me)) have complained they are 'late' with rent as they can't give the money to him) or when you have a concern or complaint.  Calling him?  Also never an option, as he is never available on that end.

The maintenance of the building is lacking.  My building is privately owned, and the owners take great care in the upkeep.  The caretaker though, is to A) cut the grass in the summer (which I haven't seen him do once - but with the lack of rain and extreme heat it isn't growing fast) B) water the lawn (it is so sun burnt is looks dead.  C) Trim the hedges out front (another tenant took it upon herself to do so as they were beyond wild) D) Keep the laundry rooms clean (Some of my neighbours clean the one closest to me, but the ones on other floors are dusty beyond belief  E) Clean the windows (The same finger prints have been there for weeks) F) Vacuum the halls (this is done so infrequently, I see the same garbage on the floor for weeks).

As a person?  I am 95% sure he is a drug addict.  Yes, you heard me correctly.  His face is full of scabs and scars.  I wasn't sure at first if this was acne scaring (but for a man in his probable 40s?).. but METH face comes to mind.  He is also always wearing sunglasses (even at night ala Cory Hart).. The sealing point for me was when company of his was carted away via ambulance for an overdose (Caretaker lives around the corner from my place and I could hear the paramedics talking)...

I often saw cars pull up and him hop in for a minute or two before getting out.. Drug deal?  That is what I and others assume. 

I don't like to make assumptions, as with my line of work you get surprises.  A man with Hep C who 'lives with two other men' turned out to be a religious figure who lived in the church with two other religious figures and contracted the disease on a missionary trip in the 70s.  You can't assume the worst... But I digress.

Anyhow, that brings me to this week.  I came home to find a notice from the owner stating that Caretaker would no longer be care-taking as of that day.

WELL, it was grand central station outside the building for talk of this.  To make a long story short, it turns out that Caretaker has A) 'Interviewed' people looking to rent a vacant suite, took deposits from them and pocketed the money. This came to light when these people came back at the beginning of this month to see what gives... and went to the owner, thankfully.  B) Entered suites without the knowledge of tenants and money has gone missing (I have heard two people mention this) (I also now love the fact my nosy neighbour is ALWAYS home and is nosy.. therefore would notice if something was up in my place) C) Asked tenants if they could lend him money (multiple people mentioned this)  D) Asked a tenant who pays in cash (again, WHY not cheques??) if he would tell the owner he was 'late' with rent as Caretaker wanted to 'borrow' some of the money and would pay it back at the end of the week.. they declined, thankfully, and contacted the owner.

Fellow tenants and I are a little alarmed that Caretaker is still LIVING in the building.  Does he still have the pass key to all suites?  If not, has he made a copy?  WHY on earth if there is THEFT involved is he allowed to be HERE??  A few tenants are planning to request their locks be changed.. I am not against that idea.

I just want to point out that my building is not normally full of any drama.  It's quiet.  There are some quirky people here, but they are honest hardworking people at the heart of it.  I live in a middle-class area of the city, not prone to major crime, as well. 

I ended up doing a scan of my place to see if anything was missing, as back in April when I went to Mexico I had left him a note stating I was going away and if there was any concerns to contact my parents.  I kick myself NOW for not telling my nosy neighbour or another lady in the apartment who I am friendly with instead.. I guess I just never thought I would have to worry my caretaker might be entering looking to steal.. I do have insurance, but really, should I have to use it if a person of power is abusing that and not because of (God forbid) what I purchased it for - fire, etc.

It will be interesting to see how this plays out, as apparently the owner is contacting the police.

Weekends and reminders..

What an amazing August long weekend!

After the huge heartache last week, I really needed a good weekend away to get my mind off of things.. and a trip out to best friend's trailer with a group of friends was the ticket!

The sunny days were perfect for us to enjoy trips onto the lake to enjoy some swimming, water skiing & tubing.  We sat around a bonfires every night to chat and listen to music.  Good friends and good eats.  The park hosted a 'kids day' where they had games like three-legged races, horse shoe toss, a bouncy house (that I volunteered for an hour at to keep the kids at the park from bouncing out into the lake.. ya know), a free BBQ and pony rides - my friend's little ones were in their glory.  We also had a water balloon fight to cool down and just had a great time with the group of 12 of us.

We only had one incident where I actually caught a neighbour of my friend's going into their trailer (while everyone else was down on the dike watching a group waterski) to help himself to another guest C's beer.  My friend's have had a few talks with this neighbour about some shady things he has done.. Seeing as the person whose beer was taken is not confrontational at ALL, I was forced to have a talk with this neighbour (who I also know)... They became VERY angry with *ME* for calling them out on it.  His excuse?  His own were not cold enough.  That gives you the right to basically steal someone elses?  We may have been in the country, but that is basically theft, thankyouverymuch.  C was very thankful I stood up for them, and honestly, I will live with this person being angry with me.. I have no patience for behaviour like that.  I am actually also impressed with myself FOR taking that stand.  I am not generally a confrontational person, especially after the blow outs with the ex... I was proud of myself really.

Sadly, back into the city I was slammed head on with reminders of last week.. I am having a very hard time trying to really move forward from this.  I am actually contemplating going back to see the counsellor I saw when R and I split up the first time last year. 

Through her help I came to learn a lot about myself, about why I act/react the way I do (giving people the benefit of the doubt when I should really turn my back).. learned more about standing up for myself.. I learnt a lot about why R is the way he is.. I think it would be in my best benefit to either re-read the literature she provided me about emotionally abusive relationships and rebuilding or to make a visit again... seeing as my last visit was a year ago the DAY that I realized R was moving into my apartment building.  Funny how that works.. I rebuilt my house of cards and he came in like the wind the moment is was completed..

I honestly cannot keep living this way as it is killing me.

On a somewhat funny side note, my lack of being able to sleep in the past while caught up with me on the weekend and I crashed hard Friday night.  HOWEVER, I also awoke around 3 when a friend was coming into the trailer to go to bed.  I was so disorientated that I thought I was at home.  My first thought was "Someone is making a lot of noise in the hallway..." then moved onto "SOMEONE is IN my apartment!!!!!!".... Did I bolt out of bed?  No.. Did I yell out?  Noooo.. What is my attack move when a break in occurs?  I pulled the blanket up over  my head and shook like a leaf until I realized where I was. 

Good grief.  THAT is what I would do when confronted with an intruder?  Hide under a blanket and hope they don't see me?  Heh.  I had to laugh at it, really..