.... So despite my best intentions, I let him hurt me again.
Everything fell apart today and I just need to get this off my chest. I can't call anyone as it's way too late.. and I also didn't tell anyone what was going on, as I know they wouldn't understand.
The ex I talked about previously crept back into my life... and though my head said "RUN!!", my heart.. my foolish heart.. let him in...
It started off innocently enough - an odd text here and there from him asking random things. I ignored them at first.. then gave a polite answer... then I started talking to him...
He started asking me to hang out with him, and I declined at fist... then, I gave in. My foolish heart gave in...
I was out one evening and he asked if I would come over after... I layed it on the line that I knew he had been dating someone (which ended) and his response was something along the lines of this girl was not for him, and his attempts at dating had failed, which didn't surprise him... he was done with dating.. *I* made sense...
I ended up going over to his place that night... I felt sad afterwards and had a cry when I went back up to my apartment.. What was I doing? I didn't know..
We continued to talk via text and it started to feel comfortable.. I tried to keep my heart at bay, but it was futile. I knew I was setting myself up for some pain, but couldn't stop... so I tried to keep my heart at bay.. I tried.. we continued talking via text every day.. and hung out a few times..
I fell back into love and thought maybe, just maybe.. this was it... MAYBE he cared..
Friday night we hung out after I got back from a friend's birthday.. Saturday he texted me while I was at a BBQ after a baseball tournament in the late evening and thanked me for coming over, made some silly texts and told me I was 'sexy'.... then I didn't heart from him Sunday.. which was not weird, as he was out with friends.. but weird because we had talked every day.....
Today rolls around and we are both off work... No calls.. I go to a ball game and think it weird to still not have heard from him all day.. I realize I am MISSING the daily texts... hundreds a day.. silly pictures.. I get home and send a text.. no answer.. I know he is home, so I give it awhile as I think he may be showering... I send another asking how his day was yesterday.. no answer... I peek outside and see his light is off.. He is ignoring me.
My heart takes over and I send a heartfelt message saying I am not sure WHAT I did (because I don't)... that I guess I should have seen this coming and love him and miss him, as always... that this was killing me... that I WISHED he could just feel the same way that I did...
No answer, of course...
I popped onto a dating website and see he has put a profile up... Done with dating? No.. Done with me again? Yes.
The worst part is, I am not angry at him... I am just sad. I am disappointed in myself that I LET him do this to me again... Why can't I LEARN? I'm glad I didn't spend 5 months again getting more involved and getting blindsided.. Not that this hurts less.. I somehow just can't shed a tear at this exact moment.. How can I cry over losing something I never had?
I can't even tell anyone.. They all warned me in the past that he is not right for me.. Though I love him more than anyone I have ever met, he isn't interested in committing.. His heart isn't right... They saw the pain I was in before and when the months of sympathy and shoulders to cry on started to get old, they told me he wasn't worth the pain if he couldn't realize what he had. They were upset with me that I was still longing for him and not trying to move on... I mentioned once to someone that he texted me and they told me to block his texts.. I didn't listen, as I didn't want to believe it...
I hate the fact that I should believe that this recent episode has NOTHING to do with me.. I shouldn't be wondering what *I* did wrong, as I didn't.. Maybe he was starting to develop feelings for me again and was scared? Maybe his old habits of irrational jealously created doubts in his mind of my intentions? Maybe he was just using me..? Maybe I DID do or say something wrong... Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep my emotions at bay and been a little stand offish at times.. I don't know.. and i probably never will..
I just know that I tried to keep my heart at bay to protect it, but I failed.
Again.
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