Well that's random

Today I overheard my neighbours (and by overheard I mean could hear them discussing in their always yelling level of speech) arguing over the fact she wished to buy a mumu.

Yes, a mumu.

"I SAID I WANT TO BUY A MUMU!! A MUMU!!!"

Huh.  That is particularly random.

This is also the same neighbour who likes to leave used clothing and shoes outside of my apartment.. so I may very well be seeing a mumu appear on my doorstep before I know it to channel my inner Mrs Roper!

This is it.

So, I really have nothing positive to say in the front of my 'relationship' with R..

I began to realize that the only time we hung out or talked (other than when he was drunk at 2 am) was when *I* initiated things... I also began to feel rejected after the third time of asking him to hang out and getting a "Tonight's no good, sorry!".  We didn't have an argument.  The last time we spoke, it was great.  The last time we saw each other was super.

Nothing was 'wrong', persay.  IT just wasn't right.. if that makes sense.

So I made a decision to be strong.

If he truly wanted to speak to me or spend some time with me - HE could be the one to initiate it.

So yes, here I am not having SEEN him in close to 2 weeks and not spoken in one. 

Point taken.

So yes, I made the choice to be strong.  I need to be, for once.. It doesn't mean that I don't break down sobbing at least twice a day, but I needed to do this.

I can't believe I am right back where I was exactly ONE year ago... Hopelessly in love with someone who will never feel as strongly as I do.

What do I do? Why can't I stop loving someone who is so horrible to me?

Motivation?

If that isn't a motivation tool, I don't know what is!

I glanced over at the servers computer perched on the side of the bar and saw this gem for the workers.  It desereved a photo, no?

.........

... I keep trying to NOT post these crappy posts..

I just cannot help it.. No matter how much I do and try, things are just never different.  Ugh. 

Long story short, I have been 'seeing' the ex again for about 2 months.. Why?  The heart wants what the heart wants.  Love. 

I know in my gut that he does not remotely care about me in the same regard as I care about him.

THAT, my readers, is what kills me.  I KNOW.

I'm not a 20 yr old who can justify being silly and just really not knowing any better.  I am old enough to know better. 

It kills me that I can love someone so damn much and allow them to use me until it becomes inconvient for them or they get bored.. which is most likely going to be soon by the fact he is slowly starting to blow me off.  He went from asking to hang out with me, sending me a text on the way home, basically just making an effort to make his presence known in my life to being "too tired" to hang out.. for an entire week.  I can tell a difference in the way he acts around me - he won't kiss me on the forehead.  That may not mean anything to you reading this, but it speaks volumes to me.

It kills me that I am pathetic enough to TAKE the fact that we have only been hanging out when *I* make the effort to call and arrange something.  Not the other way around... and that I am pathetic enough to know this and still cave in to call.

It kills me that I love enough to take this JUST to have any contact with the one I love; even though I know they do not feel the same way.  Any moment means SOMETHING to me.  I take what I can get - and know how pathetic that is.

I am a pretty amazing person.  I'm attractive, I'm smart, I have a good job and basically have my act together.  I don't NEED to settle.. .. but I can't still help but wonder WHAT is wrong with *ME* that I am so damn unlovable to THEM...

DO they care at all to keep coming back time after time for close to 3 yrs? There must be something there.. or is it just a convience thing because they know I am pathetic enough to do whatever they want?

WHY is it when we are not together he will draw me back in by means of random texts saying things like: "Come cuddle and lay with me like old times.." and going back to our old habit on FB of putting the link to a song that reminds the other person of the other person in the "about me" section... Why do these things if you don't care?  WHY?

All I want is to be loved.  Really.  I hate the fact that I am scrambling to hold onto someone who I know would toss me aside in a heartbeat - because they have.

I don't know why I cannot just accept that they do not love me, let go and move on.  I don't WANT to let go.. When I have tried to move on and have gone on a date with someone else, it always feels WRONG to me like I am cheating, even though we are not together.  When I have KNOWN he is seeing someone else, I still felt that way..

I know I have done everything in my power to be a good person, but it is never enough.. 

It breaks my self esteem down every single time I realize a little more that he doesn't care.. He won't even return a text to me if he is around another person.  Yeah, I am nothing more than a dirty little secret, right?

Not that I am much better, as I cannot talk about this with my friends or family.  They have seen me in a very scary and dark place reeling from the aftermath of him breaking my heart over and over.  While I KNOW for a fact that they would support me and welcome him into their lives if he were to commit, they would not approve of this bullsh*t him playing with my mind.

I know many of my readers are happily married with children.. I am not sure you can relate, or if you just read this and think: "What a moron." or "What IS wrong with her?".  I often wonder just that..

What the heck IS wrong with me?  Will anyone EVER love me?  Am I not lovable?