I know I said before I didn't like posting the poor me blogs.. but I can't help but have to post one today..
Seeing the person you were going to marry with their new girlfriend is horrible. Beyond horrible.
Ultimately, I KNEW it was a matter of time (he was on online dating sites the same week (maybe before for all I know) we 'offically' ended things) until this happened.. That knowledge doesn't make me feel any better, nor does it change the fact that I had a faint glimmer of hope that just perhaps things could work out..
Perhaps I am naive enough to believe that someone couldn't tell you such amazing things and not still feel those things..
Regardless, I feel like I have been kicked in the stomach...
So, after texting my best friend and sis to tell them about my day to help prevent me from having a complete melt down, best friend showed up to hang out for a bit and have a beer before we headed back to her home to have a BBQ for a friend who is in from out of town.
Around quarter after 9 I checked my phone to see if another friend had texted to say they were going to come down and see I have a new text... from the ex...??! Asking if I had given him back a DVD of a television show (that he had given to me as a gift, but I gave him back when we broke up the first time last year) as he couldn't find it. I responded saying that I didn't have it.. He texts me back saying: "Okay, thanks! It must be around here somewhere.. I had downloaded a few episodes and was watching them with <male friend>, I wanted to loan him the first season as he really liked it."... I didn't respond to it and a few moments later he writes: "He's been helping me with my truck, it's the least I can do!"...
It made it all the worse to know he was telling me a lie about who he was watching it with.. Every time I have seen him recently (crossing paths at home here) he ignores me and shoots me looks that could kill (which is petty and speaks volumes about his character) but he decides to text me with way more info than what is necessary to lie to me?
Ugh. I took the high rode and chose to NOT to bust him on his lie.. What would that prove?
You may wonder WHY I am obsessing over this so much... or may think I am crazy... Here is the deal:
We dated for under a year and a half, basically. It was tumultuous to say the least. We both have our own insecurities that were amplified together - his jealousy/trust issues and my personal lack of self esteem (which is another blog in itself).. caused some huge arguments... Another issue was the fact that I am very traditional in the sense that I firmly believe in marriage and want to have children one day. He had a messy divorce and was anti marriage.. This was a huge sore point for us. You can't compromise that.
The longer we were together he told me that he loved me, blah blah blah, changed his mind on marriage and took me shopping to look at engagement rings. Once more talk of marriage went on, he 'changed' his mind. If I am lucky enough to ever marry, I want my family and friends to be there. He didn't want a big wedding - 30 guests each sort of thing. That was a fight. Being religious, I was pro church wedding.. he was not. Fight again. In the end, he decided I was unreasonable with wedding ideas and said he didn't want to marry.
Oh yes, in this time we also went to Las Vegas with a group of people for my 30th birthday. He proposed this plan to me: We get married there IN SECRET and when we got home we would be married, but we would not TELL anyone and not live together.. down the road we would throw a party and surprise people.
As you can imagine, I nixed this idea. This was also a fight as if marriage was so important to me, I would have done this..
We broke up last year, and got back together in the summer.. I told him when we were just starting to date again that if he was not open to marriage, we were wasting each others time. He said we would discuss it.. He could see it. I was straight forward in the fact I would not be 80 yrs old and be someones girlfriend. I offered up us going to counselling together to help communicate better and work out the issues.. He told me we would do this if we could get back together.. and took back that offer later on..
It continued to be a sore point.. and he also decided he wasn't sure he wanted children anymore..
Okay.. so if you are still reading this you are probably wondering- WHY am I upset? I am not selling him as being anything but a jerk.. It was the fact that despite our fights, we connected in a way that was amazing.
I know the history of his marriage and his upbringing (which details he told me he had never trusted anyone else prior to know) and for him to consider marriage with me was huge. He was the first person I wanted to marry.
I have huge insecurities about my own self - due to what basically is a birth defect. If you saw me walking down the street, you wouldn't notice, but it's there. The only people who knew were my parents up until that point (This is something I talked about in a prior post about how much is too much.. and may talk about in the future) He was the FIRST partner I told about this and accepted it no strings attached. He told me details of his life that he (claims) he never told anyone else.. We had a deep connection.
I have never 'clicked' with someone in the way we clicked. When the relationship was good, it was excellent. When it was bad, it was him screaming at me while I was crumpled on the floor sobbing pathetically for him to not leave.
I actually tear up as I write that last line..
I developed such stress from the relationship that I was physically sick - getting colds left and right.. infections.. facial eczema.. I lost weight.. I am quite petite in the first place, and my weight dropped down to the close to double digits.. To the point I could visibly see every rib.. BUT I loved him and tried to make myself believe things would impove and that no relationship is perfect.
I saw the good side of him that brought me flowers and layed on the couch with me for hours when my dog died, that would mush his face against mine repeatedly to make me laugh, the person who sent me love poems by Pablo Neruda, a guy that would announce at midnight that we really needed Pita Pit and drive across the city with me to find one that was open, that pulled me into the nook of his armpit at night to sleep and would sneak up behind me during the day to smell my hair.. I saw the good.. I saw the person that let himself be vulnerable. I saw what he could be...
I won't go into details of his past, but his upbringing is painful. Anyone who went through what he went through would be troubled.. Anyone who went through what he went through and refused to seek counselling would have issues.. That is who I also saw. I saw him pull the same stunts on me that he did with an exgirlfriend - crazy accusations, jealously, manipulation..
I so strongly wanted to believe that the good could trump the bad that I sold myself out for it... I tried so hard it is pathetic in someways..
I am still naive enough to believe that the person I loved is in there... and could still love me back...
That is why I am having a hard time seeing him move on.. He may have stopped loving me, but I never left.
Tuesday, July 26, 2011
Saturday, July 16, 2011
A lesson in humility
So, I attended a wedding this evening of my oldest friend.
Sounds lovely, right?
In theory, it is. In reality - not quite as much.
To give you a little background on the story: My friend C's is 3 months younger than I am. Her family lived across the street from my family for the first few years of our lives. Before she was school aged, her family moved to what what considered a town outside of the city I live in (which urban sprawl, it's now just the far end of a suburb - go figure). We still kept in contact, mostly via LETTERS (Imagine that!) and the occasional sleepover. Even though we didn't attend any of the same schools, we remained close friends. C got her teaching degree and moved out to Thailand to teach English. It was there she met her now husband who was traveling from Sweden, where they now live. They married in Sweden at the beginning of the month, and today was the celebration for her Canadian family and friends who could not be in Sweden for the actual wedding...
That brings us to today.
A) My sister was invited to the wedding, but couldn't make it out as she had plans with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday. THAT meant I was going solo. To a wedding where I knew NO one. That was bad enough in itself.
B) We are going through a heatwave right now and it felt like 36C with the humidity today.. The wedding was an outdoor evening event held at her parents place.
I get to the wedding looking pretty sharp, if I may say so myself, and after standing awkwardly by myself with a glass of champagne a few gals invited me to stand with them and chat while we ate tapas, etc... which I was thankful for. After eating, the heat was REALLY getting to me and I began to feel ill. I went up to the bar area to grab a cold water and as I teetered in my 3" heels on the way back..... I fainted.
I bloodied up one of my legs and poured my water over myself. C came running up and made sure I was okay.. I sat down and still felt horrible. She told me to head inside to her folks basement to cool down in the airconditioning. I staggered in (refusing to admit I was feeling as bad as I did, in true to my form stubborn fashion) and sat on the step for a few moments until one of the catering staff and a random Swede helped me downstairs (I slide down on my bum as I didn't trust myself to navigate stairs in heels) and brought me water and a cool cloth.
There I sat humiliated for about 20 minutes. I texted my sis and best friend to share my humiliation. When I finally felt better, I went back upstairs where speeches were under way.
OH YES, C's sister mentioned me as C's oldest friend... so everyone turned to look at me...
Those gals who were talking to me before? They wouldn't even LOOK at me after. Presumably thinking I was drunk and fell over, not heat exhausted.
I waited out the speeches, apologized to C for making a scene, stayed to watch them dance a song and left.
Why me?
Sounds lovely, right?
In theory, it is. In reality - not quite as much.
To give you a little background on the story: My friend C's is 3 months younger than I am. Her family lived across the street from my family for the first few years of our lives. Before she was school aged, her family moved to what what considered a town outside of the city I live in (which urban sprawl, it's now just the far end of a suburb - go figure). We still kept in contact, mostly via LETTERS (Imagine that!) and the occasional sleepover. Even though we didn't attend any of the same schools, we remained close friends. C got her teaching degree and moved out to Thailand to teach English. It was there she met her now husband who was traveling from Sweden, where they now live. They married in Sweden at the beginning of the month, and today was the celebration for her Canadian family and friends who could not be in Sweden for the actual wedding...
That brings us to today.
A) My sister was invited to the wedding, but couldn't make it out as she had plans with her boyfriend to celebrate her birthday. THAT meant I was going solo. To a wedding where I knew NO one. That was bad enough in itself.
B) We are going through a heatwave right now and it felt like 36C with the humidity today.. The wedding was an outdoor evening event held at her parents place.
I get to the wedding looking pretty sharp, if I may say so myself, and after standing awkwardly by myself with a glass of champagne a few gals invited me to stand with them and chat while we ate tapas, etc... which I was thankful for. After eating, the heat was REALLY getting to me and I began to feel ill. I went up to the bar area to grab a cold water and as I teetered in my 3" heels on the way back..... I fainted.
I bloodied up one of my legs and poured my water over myself. C came running up and made sure I was okay.. I sat down and still felt horrible. She told me to head inside to her folks basement to cool down in the airconditioning. I staggered in (refusing to admit I was feeling as bad as I did, in true to my form stubborn fashion) and sat on the step for a few moments until one of the catering staff and a random Swede helped me downstairs (I slide down on my bum as I didn't trust myself to navigate stairs in heels) and brought me water and a cool cloth.
There I sat humiliated for about 20 minutes. I texted my sis and best friend to share my humiliation. When I finally felt better, I went back upstairs where speeches were under way.
OH YES, C's sister mentioned me as C's oldest friend... so everyone turned to look at me...
Those gals who were talking to me before? They wouldn't even LOOK at me after. Presumably thinking I was drunk and fell over, not heat exhausted.
I waited out the speeches, apologized to C for making a scene, stayed to watch them dance a song and left.
Why me?
Thursday, July 14, 2011
I sympathize with Elmer Fudd - he was just misunderstood!
So, I went to catch up on a little weeding on my vegetable garden Tuesday afternoon. Upon entering the yard, I caught the rabbit who has been feasting on basically ALL of the lettuce red... pawwed (??).. uhm.. eating the broccoli. The little guy spotted me and made a mad dash underneath the deck.
Now, we have TRIED humane ways of keeping the rabbit at bay - upon advice of a garden store sprinkling soap around the perimeter of the garden (aka grating a bar of Irish Spring soap with a cheese grater to the bewilderment of people passing by on the street), sprinkling pepper around the perimeter AND finally purchasing a humane trap in order to catch the little guy and release him in a more appropriate rabbit location... which is not in the garden.
I leaped over to the deck and decided I was going to chase this rabbit out myself.. So like a psychopath, I began stomping across the deck, stopping every couple of feet to jump up and down in hopes of scaring him out from underneath and chasing him out of the yard... I am not sure why I thought this would work.
When he didn't come out from under the deck (where I assume he is living), I grabbed the garden hose (with thoughts of Silence of the Lambs on my mind: "Or it gets the hose again!") and sprayed the deck down hoping the water would chase him out... and yes, I also see how this was a failed plan.
When he didn't come out, I gave up, slammed the trap down NEXT to the broccoli and went on with my weeding..
Does anyone have any suggestions for SAVING what is left of the lettuce?! I am not looking to harm the rabbit in any way - hence the humane deterrents..
On another note, the garden is looking excellent!
The broccoli July 12th on the left and June 14th on the right!
May 18th on the left and June 20 on the right!Tuesday, July 12, 2011
"Are you leaving anything in the country?" "Just my MONEY!! hah.. No?"
I really need to stop going down to the States by myself.
I probably make a trip down there to shop two to three times a year, and usually by myself. I work every other weekend, so it's difficult to nail down a weekend to do this sort of trip with someone else and weekdays do not tend to work for anyone else as that is their normal working hours.. Truth be told, I also don't mind doing the drive (around 2 hrs) alone, and really do enjoy shopping by myself.
HOWEVER, the border guards seem to think it is strange that I would be going down by myself. I think I end up looking guilty of something criminal like.
Yesterday was no different - on the way back into Canada they had me come into the building - which I expected to pay duty as I was not away long enough to qualify for an sort of tax exemption (which is still fine, as the most I have ever had to pay was about $20 - which is waaaay cheaper than paying for a hotel). In the end, the border guard told me that I didn't have to pay any duty (which was a pleasant surprise) BUT they took my passport and ran it through the computer or whatever they do. I could hear one of the guards comment to the other who had been assisting me say: "It's all clear!", because yes, I am there to shop and have no criminal record. YET, I was asked about 4 times about going down to the States solo.. Why is this so strange?
I'm single and work different work hours than most other people because of my career choice. THIS is what works for me.. WHY is it so strange?
Regardless, I had a good day yesterday. I hate to say that the majority of my purchases were groceries.. Believe me, I did try to give my credit card a work out with clothing, but it just didn't happen!
The only bad part about long drives by yourself is the time it gives you to THINK.. I tried to distract myself by singing loudly as I drove, but ugh.. my mind refuses to stop some days.
I actually wonder why I sometimes refuse to think about the negative aspects of certain situations and only romanticize them by thinking of the positive aspects. Self preservation perhaps to avoid the inevitable emotional pain by REALLY focusing on it? Who knows.
It was tough for me to be in the States as in the recent past when I was there I would do three things - look for new treats for my dog, and buy some fun things for my boyfriend and parents. I lost my dog (which is a whole other story) over a year ago and the boyfriend is an ex. It almost seemed strange to not be doing these things.. I still enjoy picking up some treats for my folks, but I miss grabbing things for the others...
Anyhow, I had a great day shopping, picked up some goodies (and a new pair of shoes!) and am looking forward to the remainder of my time off work!
I probably make a trip down there to shop two to three times a year, and usually by myself. I work every other weekend, so it's difficult to nail down a weekend to do this sort of trip with someone else and weekdays do not tend to work for anyone else as that is their normal working hours.. Truth be told, I also don't mind doing the drive (around 2 hrs) alone, and really do enjoy shopping by myself.
HOWEVER, the border guards seem to think it is strange that I would be going down by myself. I think I end up looking guilty of something criminal like.
Yesterday was no different - on the way back into Canada they had me come into the building - which I expected to pay duty as I was not away long enough to qualify for an sort of tax exemption (which is still fine, as the most I have ever had to pay was about $20 - which is waaaay cheaper than paying for a hotel). In the end, the border guard told me that I didn't have to pay any duty (which was a pleasant surprise) BUT they took my passport and ran it through the computer or whatever they do. I could hear one of the guards comment to the other who had been assisting me say: "It's all clear!", because yes, I am there to shop and have no criminal record. YET, I was asked about 4 times about going down to the States solo.. Why is this so strange?
I'm single and work different work hours than most other people because of my career choice. THIS is what works for me.. WHY is it so strange?
Regardless, I had a good day yesterday. I hate to say that the majority of my purchases were groceries.. Believe me, I did try to give my credit card a work out with clothing, but it just didn't happen!
The only bad part about long drives by yourself is the time it gives you to THINK.. I tried to distract myself by singing loudly as I drove, but ugh.. my mind refuses to stop some days.
I actually wonder why I sometimes refuse to think about the negative aspects of certain situations and only romanticize them by thinking of the positive aspects. Self preservation perhaps to avoid the inevitable emotional pain by REALLY focusing on it? Who knows.
It was tough for me to be in the States as in the recent past when I was there I would do three things - look for new treats for my dog, and buy some fun things for my boyfriend and parents. I lost my dog (which is a whole other story) over a year ago and the boyfriend is an ex. It almost seemed strange to not be doing these things.. I still enjoy picking up some treats for my folks, but I miss grabbing things for the others...
Anyhow, I had a great day shopping, picked up some goodies (and a new pair of shoes!) and am looking forward to the remainder of my time off work!
Sunday, July 10, 2011
Well, summer - you haven't disappointed me yet!
Ahhh! I have been on holidays from work for 3 days so far, and those 3 days have been glorious!
Thursday evening I went to watch (and score keep for) my best friend and her team play softball and ended up going out with her after for a nibble and a drink on a patio as the evening was so beautiful. It was great to have time to sit and chat with JUST her, as we don't often get that opportunity to just be the two of us..
Friday and yesterday were spent out at the lake with a few friends'helping' (and by helping I mean a two woman job of moving lumber from one pile to another as the work that needed to be done was beyond our capabilities) a friend build his new cabin. We took a few breaks and went down to the beach to enjoy some time in the sun watching people wind surf (I never realized the skill that that actually takes to do!!) and launch the "island" (it's a very large water vessel that has to be transported to the beach by truck and extends the entire cab and most the truck bed!!) in the water for about an hour... The weather both days was perfect for being at the beach!
Today I caught up on a few things at home, like laundry, and went for a visit & dinner over at my parents place, which is always wonderful.
All in all, a WONDERFUL weekend!
Tomorrow, I am heading down to the States for some shopping and relaxing! Gotta love it!
Thursday evening I went to watch (and score keep for) my best friend and her team play softball and ended up going out with her after for a nibble and a drink on a patio as the evening was so beautiful. It was great to have time to sit and chat with JUST her, as we don't often get that opportunity to just be the two of us..
Friday and yesterday were spent out at the lake with a few friends'helping' (and by helping I mean a two woman job of moving lumber from one pile to another as the work that needed to be done was beyond our capabilities) a friend build his new cabin. We took a few breaks and went down to the beach to enjoy some time in the sun watching people wind surf (I never realized the skill that that actually takes to do!!) and launch the "island" (it's a very large water vessel that has to be transported to the beach by truck and extends the entire cab and most the truck bed!!) in the water for about an hour... The weather both days was perfect for being at the beach!
Today I caught up on a few things at home, like laundry, and went for a visit & dinner over at my parents place, which is always wonderful.
All in all, a WONDERFUL weekend!
Tomorrow, I am heading down to the States for some shopping and relaxing! Gotta love it!
Friday, July 8, 2011
Deletia
Have you ever written an entire blog, stopped and read it over before hitting the "publish post" button, then decided to simply delete the entire thing?
Yes, that is exactly what I did.
I have a hard time trying to figure out how much is too much to divulge on Blogger. I know from my stats that none of my readers are from my home town, so I know no one I know is actually reading this.. ((Side note: Who the heck in Brazil is reading this? and WHY?)) I do know, however, that you never know who is reading your blog and if you don't want certain parts of your life to come out, you shouldn't discuss it on a public forum.
Simple as that.
There are certain aspects of my life that I would prefer to keep personal and perhaps for certain eyes to not read. HOWEVER, there are certain aspects of my life that I would REALLY love to talk about but I have been holding back from getting into.... I am not talking about anything criminal here, or anything that would harm another person or their reputation.... just some topics that are important in my life that I could post about with some interest....
Where do you draw the line? How much is too much?
Yes, that is exactly what I did.
I have a hard time trying to figure out how much is too much to divulge on Blogger. I know from my stats that none of my readers are from my home town, so I know no one I know is actually reading this.. ((Side note: Who the heck in Brazil is reading this? and WHY?)) I do know, however, that you never know who is reading your blog and if you don't want certain parts of your life to come out, you shouldn't discuss it on a public forum.
Simple as that.
There are certain aspects of my life that I would prefer to keep personal and perhaps for certain eyes to not read. HOWEVER, there are certain aspects of my life that I would REALLY love to talk about but I have been holding back from getting into.... I am not talking about anything criminal here, or anything that would harm another person or their reputation.... just some topics that are important in my life that I could post about with some interest....
Where do you draw the line? How much is too much?
Monday, July 4, 2011
Long weekend
What a great weekend! :-) I really couldn't have asked for a better long weekend to really kick off the summer!
My weekend was spent out at my best friend's trailer out at the lake. The weather was PERFECT for a weekend away - lots of sun, but not overly hot where it would have been uncomfortable to be outside (as it was earlier in the week in my neck of the woods).
We had great times with the good friends that came out sitting around the campfire (with one mishap where another friend's missing cellphone was located the following morning as a burnt crisp in the pit), a few rounds of ladder golf, lots of time spent in the boat on the river trying out BF's new tube purchased on a trip into town, a small firework display, a dance at the community area, great food and lots of laughs!
All in all, a great weekend celebrating our wonderful country!
Hope all of my Canadian readers had a great weekend as well!
My weekend was spent out at my best friend's trailer out at the lake. The weather was PERFECT for a weekend away - lots of sun, but not overly hot where it would have been uncomfortable to be outside (as it was earlier in the week in my neck of the woods).
We had great times with the good friends that came out sitting around the campfire (with one mishap where another friend's missing cellphone was located the following morning as a burnt crisp in the pit), a few rounds of ladder golf, lots of time spent in the boat on the river trying out BF's new tube purchased on a trip into town, a small firework display, a dance at the community area, great food and lots of laughs!
All in all, a great weekend celebrating our wonderful country!
Hope all of my Canadian readers had a great weekend as well!
Friday, July 1, 2011
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