The quest to read 52 books continues!

So, I know most of my last posts have revolved around the drama I have been experiencing with the ex.. I'm sorry for that, as well.  I have contemplated NOT posting anything about it - but really, the whole purpose of my blog was to have a safe place to post my thoughts in order to get them off my chest.  It just so happens that this season in my life is not one of joy.. but I am sure that will change.

You may recall I mentioned in the past that I was taking on a challenge of reading 52 books in 52 weeks - well, I HAVEN'T given up that goal... SO, here are the next chunk of books I have read since my last post (In JUNE - eeeep!) AND I am going to try to comment on my thoughts of the books, as well... What I recommend and what I would pass on.

14. Ape House - Sarah Gruen (July)
*** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Ape-House-Sara-Gruen/dp/0385664451/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1317343125&sr=8-1
- The premise of the story is about a journalist who is doing a story on a handler Isabel and a group of bonobo apes who communicate via sign language, at a University language lab.  The apes are 'kidnapped' by lack of better words by an extremist group and end up being part of a 'reality' TV show.  The quest is then to get the apes back.
I know that that sounds incredibly strange.. It was a decent read though, especially for an animal lover. 

15. But Inside I'm Screaming - Elizabeth Flock (July)
*** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/But-Inside-Screaming-Elizabeth-Flock/dp/1551667274/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317343529&sr=1-1
- A fiction novel about a journalist who suffers a melt down on live television, and subsequently has a mental break down and ends up in a hospital.  The story is slightly scattered in it's delivery of the past events and present time - and can be slightly hard to follow.  However, it was very powerful in it's message.

16.  Bravehearted Gospel - Eric Ludy (July)
** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Bravehearted-Gospel-Truth-Worth-Fighting/dp/0736921648/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317343877&sr=1-1
- Non fiction:  Eric Ludy sets out discuss the how the beliefs of the modern day church has changed over the years, and his opinion of how this is not always for the best.  I found this VERY hard to get through, and really couldn't agree with his opinion at many points.  As an attendee of a non-denominational church myself that uses more modern 'praise and worship' music in its service and applies every day situations to bible verses - which Eric disagrees with - it was hard not to.  IMHO, if a church uses a more modern approach to attract a younger crowd to God, how can that be wrong?

17.  The Filter Bubble: What the Internet is Hiding From You - Eli Pariser (July)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Filter-Bubble-Eli-Pariser/dp/1594203008/ref=tmm_hrd_title_0?ie=UTF8&qid=1317344172&sr=1-2
Non fiction: WOW!  This is a book that I raved about to everyone and anyone who was around while I was reading it.  It REALLY opened my eyes to how the Internet has changed the way people view the world, and what they are viewing.  The book discussed the fact that Google no longer gives you the most popular/recent web page when you do a search, RATHER, it has a filter that gives you what it believes you would like to read based on your browsing history.  Did you know that?  So basically, three people could type the same word/topic into the search area and get three completely different results.  The book also discusses how people are more likely to get their information/news from the Internet and that tends to give people skewed and perhaps incorrect information.   I highly recommend this book!

18.  Half Broke Horses - Jeannette Walls (August)
**** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Half-Broke-Horses-Jeannette-Walls/dp/1416586288/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344560&sr=1-2
Non Fiction: I read another book by Jeannette Walls, the Glass Castle, back in July - this is now the true story of her grandmother. Lily.  Very beautiful story of the struggles of a modern woman during the Great Depression and years around that.  Lily is an AMAZING woman, and her story is one to be read!

19.  Unbearable Lightness - Portia De Rossi (August)
**** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Unbearable-Lightness-Story-Loss-Gain/dp/1439177783/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344778&sr=1-1
Non Fiction: This is the memoir of Poria De Rossi and her struggles with coming out as a lesbian, the public spotlight and struggle with anorexia/self esteem issues.  The book is incredibly heartbreaking with the vulnerability Portia expresses and how much pain she harbored with trying to become perfect.  Beautifully sad.

20.  Little Princes - Conor Grennan (August)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Little-Princes-Conor-Grennan/dp/0062049852/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317344958&sr=1-1
Non Fiction:  AS per Amazon's about the author: Conor Grennan volunteered in Nepal at the Little Princes Children’s Home in the village of Godawari in 2004. He would eventually return to Nepal to launch Next Generation Nepal (NGN), a nonprofit organization dedicated to reconnecting trafficked children with their families in postwar Nepal.  I could not put this book down.  Read this.  That is all I will say.

21.  Those Who Save Us - Jenna Blum (August)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Those-Who-Save-Jenna-Blum/dp/0156031663/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345093&sr=1-1
A fiction novel written through two narratives - Trudy and her mother Anna who lived during the Holocaust.  Very powerful.  Very well written.

22.  Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert (September)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Eat-Pray-Love-Everything-Indonesia/dp/0143038419/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345291&sr=1-1
This book needs no explanation.  I have read it before, and re-read it again and fell in love with it again

23.  Boy In the Striped Pajamas - John Boyne  (Sept)
*** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Boy-Striped-Pajamas-John-Boyne/dp/0385751532/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345349&sr=1-1
A fiction novel written through the eyes of 9 yr old Bruno, whose family is transplanted to Poland during the Holocaust, as Bruno's father is a high ranking member of the German army.  The family's home is situated next to what the reader figures out to be a concentration camp.  It is there that Bruno meets a Jewish boy, Shmuel, on the other side of the fence.. and an unlikely friendship develops.  Very easy, quick read.  Decent.

24.  The Bell Jar - Sylvia Plath (Sept)
***** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Bell-Jar-Sylvia-Plath/dp/0571081789/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345622&sr=1-1
This is another book that needs to explanation.  I read it many, many years ago and decided to pick it back off the shelf for a re-read.  Still powerful to this day!

25.  When God was a Rabbit - Sarah Winman (Sept)
**** and a half out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/When-God-Rabbit-Sarah-Winman/dp/0755379292/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345718&sr=1-1
This book is a fiction novel spanning four decades, and details the life of Elly.  It is a story of loss, hope, pain, the bonds of love and how happiness can be found in unlikely times and places.  I really can't explain it.. Very beautiful and hard to put down.

26.  The Power Of Half - Kevin Salwen (Sept)
** out of *****
http://www.amazon.ca/Power-Half-Familys-Decision-Taking/dp/0547248067/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1317345908&sr=1-1
A non-fiction story of a family who decides to give back to society by downsizing their lives by half.  VERY easy read (I read it in it's entirety while stuck in a walk in clinic for 2 hrs)... The message is great, but I just could not find myself really rooting for the family.  I love the commitment the family had to find a cause they found most worthy, but again, I just couldn't get into this book.

There you have it!  Half way through my goal.. :-)

So, I lied..

Remember how I said I wasn't going to post any more poor me blogs?  Well, I think we all knew that wasn't exactly the truth, right?

I am just finding myself paralyzed with the loneliness of missing the ex.. I am not sure if I really should be going back to see the counsellor I had spoken to last year after we had broken up the first time, as I can feel myself sinking more and more daily.  Seriously, most days I am 30 seconds away from crying.

I just wish I knew WHY I am so consumed with this guy.  Yes, I do love him.  He has hurt me repeatedly, but at the heart of it, I can see the promise in him and miss the potential of what COULD have been.

He isn't single, (so much for his being DONE with dating) so I have a snowballs chance in Hell of getting what my heart needs, but... yeah... I just do not understand WHY I feel the way I do..

I've thought about the fact that if one of my best friends or family had their partner treat them in the way that he treated me, I wouldn't be cheering them on.  Should I not be holding myself up to the same regard as I would hold them - deserving MORE than that?

He was the One.  In my heart, I know it.  The loss is like the death of a partner. 

I just wish I could finally put the final nail into the coffin, rather than pine away...  I wish I could move on and attempt to find someone who would love me as much as I love them... but my heart does not want another.. How do you stop that?  Time?  I've had time.. Time has not healed the wounds... I really don't know..

Any thoughts?

Unwelcome bedmates.

So, I try to keep a very clean home..  I honestly keep a 'schedule' of cleaning so things like cleaning the bathroom is done weekly.. What can I say?  I enjoy cleanliness.

I enjoy watching the show Hoarders, and truth be told, during commercial breaks I will actually clean.  Seeing the disarray of these homes, the filth and the insects that follow makes me shudder and want to avoid anything remotely close to that scenario.

The insects in these homes.. ugh.  I am a complete girl when it comes to insects, especially, in my home - I shriek and panic when I come across a spider.. I had a problem with wasps getting inside (and HOW is still beyond me) a few years back which resulted in me screaming like a banshee while wielding a can of bug spray.  This also took place after I went to open the blinds and a dead one fell an inch from my nose onto the ground...

I had a problem with fruit flies a year ago  (that did not require banshee screaming) - they got in and took up residence in the soil of my houseplants.  I love my houseplants (if my love of gardening tells you anything) and really did not want to part with them... So I suffered a LONG time through fruit flies flying up my nose and landing in my coffee cups... I had the shot glasses of apple cider vinegar and dish soap around... to no avail.  Eventually thanks to the wisdom of my mom, Neem oil saved the day!

Living in an older apartment block, certain insects are common.  The ex who lives in the basement used to mention finding beetles on occasion in his suite... And I have come across silverfish, which are common for apartments..  I do not seem them often, just the odd time in the bathroom (as they like the moisture), and normally have kept  them at bay by the occasional spraying of a bug spray around the perimeter of the bathroom...

SO, that brings me to last night... I has curled up in bed to read before going to sleep and noticed something move out of the corner of my eye.  At first I dismissed it as my imagination (riiiiight) and went back to reading... I looked back at the bedspread and saw one of those aforementioned silverfish slithering towards me. 

Insert overly panicked flailing, tossing of blankets and banshee screaming here.

When I got my wits about me, I climbed off the bed with a tissue and found the bugger on the floor... and squished it....

I figure while I was tidying up, I had picked a few clothes that I had left on the ground onto the bed before hanging them up.. and then climbing into bed... that I had brought my bed mate into bed with me.

Oh Lord.  I can tell you that sleep was not good last night!

Today was spent moving all furniture around in the bedroom to sweep, HAND wash the floor and spray all perimeters with the bugspray...

Because I am thin, it does not give you the right to make comments regarding my weight.

Would anyone DARE to say to someone who has gained weight: "Gee, you're looking a little heavier!"... No.
Would anyone DARE to say to someone who is heavy: "WOW, how much do you weigh?!".. No..

At least I hope people would have the decency to not say those things...

Okay, yes, I have lost some weight over the past year due to stress... I am small, a weight gain/loss of a small amount shows... It does not give people the right to say:

"I know when I lost weight, people asked if I was sick!!.... So... Is everything okay?  ha ha....?"  (And this was BEFORE they said "Oh yeah, good morning!")

"Why don't you go eat?  You look like you just got back from Africa."  (Whaaaat??)

Seriously.  Those exact sentences were uttered to me in the past two days.  It's not a compliment.. It's not right.. I am not sickly thin.. I weigh in the lower range of what is 'normal' for my height and frame..  I eat..

You would never dream of commenting on the weight of someone who is heavy, so why do people think it is okay to comment (maliciously at times) on someone who is thin?

*sigh*  Perhaps I am just a little senstive this week, but please..