One step forward, 2 steps back

God.  How did I end up in this spot again?

I look back over my pathetic sad little blog and see that the progress I had made in the past few months is gone.. I am back to where I started.

After I texted the ex, I ended up calling a friend that night for a late night pep talk and told her the whole story... After a restless sleep I got up and felt sick from worry... The ex ended up texting me saying I was over reacting and had been sleeping.. which I think was a lie.  He said he was going into a meeting and would talk to me later.  Kinda cold.

Anyhow, I ended up texting my friend to thank her for listening to me.. and started discussing another drama going on in my life.  Long story short, I accidentally texted the ex a portion of it where I was talking about confronting someone... WELL, he assumed I was talking about him... So yes, I somehow managed to make the situation even worse... if that was possible.

I sent him a message on FB to clarify the situation as to not bother him at work.. and to no surprise of mine, received no answer there or a call... and nothing today.

He, once again, is gone. 

I just finished reading another book, and one blurb rung out to me.. "Life is so unfair and painful and love is hard to find and you have to take it whenever and wherever you can get it, no matter how brief or how it ends...."

While I think his intentions were not entirely based on love, mine were.  For a few weeks, I was 'home'..

And now?  Now.. I am not so sure where I am or where I will end up.. I can promise you I will not continue to write 'poor me' blogs, as no one wants to read that.. My pain is my own cross to bear, and so it shall be...

Late night post

.... So despite my best intentions, I let him hurt me again.

Everything fell apart today and I just need to get this off my chest.  I can't call anyone as it's way too late.. and I also didn't tell anyone what was going on, as I know they wouldn't understand.

The ex I talked about previously crept back into my life... and though my head said "RUN!!", my heart.. my foolish heart.. let him in...

It started off innocently enough - an odd text here and there from him asking random things.  I ignored them at first.. then gave a polite answer... then I started talking to him...

He started asking me to hang out with him, and I declined at fist... then, I gave in.  My foolish heart gave in...

I was out one evening and he asked if I would come over after... I layed it on the line that I knew he had been dating someone (which ended) and his response was something along the lines of this girl was not for him, and his attempts at dating had failed, which didn't surprise him... he was done with dating..  *I* made sense...

I ended up going over to his place that night... I felt sad afterwards and had a cry when I went back up to my apartment.. What was I doing?  I didn't know..

We continued to talk via text and it started to feel comfortable.. I tried to keep my heart at bay, but it was futile.  I knew I was setting myself up for some pain, but couldn't stop... so I tried to keep my heart at bay.. I tried.. we continued talking via text every day.. and hung out a few times..

I fell back into love and thought maybe, just maybe.. this was it... MAYBE he cared..

Friday night we hung out after I got back from a friend's birthday.. Saturday he texted me while I was at a BBQ after a baseball tournament in the late evening and thanked me for coming over, made some silly texts and told me I was 'sexy'.... then I didn't heart from him Sunday.. which was not weird, as he was out with friends.. but weird because we had talked every day.....

Today rolls around and we are both off work... No calls.. I go to a ball game and think it weird to still not have heard from him all day.. I realize I am MISSING the daily texts... hundreds a day.. silly pictures.. I get home and send a text.. no answer.. I know he is home, so I give it awhile as I think he may be showering... I send another asking how his day was yesterday.. no answer... I peek outside and see his light is off.. He is ignoring me.

My heart takes over and I send a heartfelt message saying I am not sure WHAT I did (because I don't)... that I guess I should have seen this coming and love him and miss him, as always... that this was killing me... that I WISHED he could just feel the same way that I did...

No answer, of course...

I popped onto a dating website and see he has put a profile up... Done with dating?  No.. Done with me again? Yes.

The worst part is, I am not angry at him... I am just sad.  I am disappointed in myself that I LET him do this to me again... Why can't I LEARN?  I'm glad I didn't spend 5 months again getting more involved and getting blindsided.. Not that this hurts less.. I somehow just can't shed a tear at this exact moment.. How can I cry over losing something I never had? 

I can't even tell anyone.. They all warned me in the past that he is not right for me.. Though I love him more than anyone I have ever met, he isn't interested in committing..  His heart isn't right... They saw the pain I was in before and when the months of sympathy and shoulders to cry on started to get old, they told me he wasn't worth the pain if he couldn't realize what he had.  They were upset with me that I was still longing for him and not trying to move on... I mentioned once to someone that he texted me and they told me to block his texts.. I didn't listen, as I didn't want to believe it...

I hate the fact that I should believe that this recent episode has NOTHING to do with me.. I shouldn't be wondering what *I* did wrong, as I didn't.. Maybe he was starting to develop feelings for me again and was scared?  Maybe his old habits of irrational jealously created doubts in his mind of my intentions?  Maybe he was just using me..?  Maybe I DID do or say something wrong... Maybe I shouldn't have tried to keep my emotions at bay and been a little stand offish at times.. I don't know.. and i probably never will..

I just know that I tried to keep my heart at bay to protect it, but I failed.

Again.

15 things you may not know about me, and may not even care to know.

1.  The song Fast Car by Tracy Chapman makes me tear up EVERY time I hear it.. and I don't know why.
2.  I have been a vegetarian for close to 16 yrs.
3.  I am not driven by ego in the least - I don't relish being the center of attention (I avoid it) and am so uncompetitive, I actually go out of my way to not be competitive, if that makes sense.
4.  On the same token, I am extremely fragile when it comes to criticism towards myself.. Harmless words can crush me and stay with me way longer than they should.
5.  I have two left feet when it comes to dancing.. My skills have been equated to "You look like a muppet!" and compared to the dancing in this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=l-iAS18rv68
6.  I love that electric feeling you get when you hold the hand of a person you like for the first time.
7.  I'm a hopeless romantic in the sense that I love the whole aspect of BEING in love.
8.  I try to see the 'good' in everyone, and believe everyone has something in them that you can appreciate.
9.  I am stubbornly independent at times.  I will refuse to ask for help and carry boxes that are larger than I am up 3 flights of stairs to my apartment.
10.  My guilty pleasure in life is watching TMZ.
11.  I am more of a thinker than a talker, and often struggle with finding the right words.
12.  I am fiercely loyal to the people I care about and will take the 'punches' to protect them.
13.  I loved my dog more than I like some people.
14.  I have a horrible singing voice, but wish I COULD sing just to be able to karaoke.
15.  I can eat a disgusting amount of cheese in one sitting.

Wisdom.

Stay strong.  Be courageous.  Listen to your head rather than your heart.  Learn from the past.

Those things are often harder to do than you think...

I *KNOW* what I wish for myself from life, what I deserve, etc.. but sometimes when an opportunity is plunked right down in front of you, even though you MAY know it is not for the best, it is difficult to walk away..

Ugh.  Be strong.  Be strong.

It is difficult to really know what someone elses intentions are.  I have learned that naively believing the 'best' in everyone is not always a wise move.  Sadly, in today's society, people will often mistaken kindness for weakness and prey on that and exploit it.. People mess up, yes, but often their intentions are not pure or right, no matter how much they try to tell you otherwise... I really need to learn to keep that in mind.

What a wonderful weekend!  Dinner for a birthday, trip to the Farmer's Market and a day at the beach!  Perfection.  Sadly though, I can ALREADY feel fall creeping in.. you can feel a marked difference in the way the air feels (nevermind the fact it dips down to the high teens at night now)

A few photos to showcase the weekend



Cookies at the market



Flowers





Garlic stand.. this made me stupidly happy



Homemade jams/jellies/relishes

An AMAZING pile of radishes!!

The veggies available that day



Various cucs and squash



More veggies









Fresh baked breads

A friend is building an amazing cabin - it's still under works, but as you can see it will be a pretty grand place when done.  It's close to the beach, so work is mixed with time on the inflatible island!



The island!



To prove I was there ;-)





Standing on one side



The bathroom leaves something to be desire

 

Wordless Wednesday

I was going through my receipts and found this one from the May long weekend... So, NOW I know where my money goes. ♥

The one with the epic fail

So, I was talking to my sister the other night about the stress I have been under (as previously mentioned.. and this has amplified, but I am going to refrain from talking about it...) and how I can't help but over think situations, leading to a lack of sleep and such (being I am now physically ill.. which happens when I am stressed, as normally I am not prone to illness)...  She suggested that when I am home alone, I should grab a book and head to a Starbucks for a coffee and people watching..... and oh yes, this is a great way for cute single guys to come up and approach a cute single girl.

I decided to give this a try this weekend as friends were out of town or at the football game.  Nothing to do.

Problem A) I didn't feel like a cup of coffee.  I decided I really wanted to have a drink drink.  And yes, I am aware of the fact that going for a drink ALONE sounds like the start of an episode of Intervention.  I don't drink much/often/alone normally.  I just really felt like a cold one. 

Problem B) My choice of location for this endeavor.  I COULD have gone to say, Boston Pizza... but oh no, I decided to hit up a watering hole down the street from my home.  It's located inside of a hotel chain that also has two nightclubs attached to it. It's basically a gaming  lounge.  Not exactly a classy place.

Anyhow, I went for a little drive to run an errand, and as I was coming home stopped at the hotel.  Upon entering the lounge I thought: "Hey!  This isn't too bad!".  It was clean and fairly quiet.  People were plugging away at the VLTS or watching the horse races on one of the televisions. 

I grabbed a drink from the bar and sat off to the side.  At first I people watched for a while, and then pulled out a book, as I always have one on my person.    A few minutes later, a cute guy approached and asked what I was reading.  Hello!  Score one sister for saying this works!!  He then asked if I was alone and could join me.  I told a little white lie that I was just stopping in to kill time before I met up with friends, in case I needed to make a run for it... but as we started talking, I figured this wasn't necessary.

We talked for about an hour...I wasn't really feeling any spark, but thought I might hang out with him again to see and THEN, this conversation played out:

Him: Would you like another drink?
Me: No, thanks.  I really do need to be heading out..
Him: Oh, that's too bad!  I have really enjoyed talking to you!
Me: Me too - it's been fun.
Him: Sooo... want to take me home?
Me: What?  Uhm.... no.
Him: Hah.  I was kidding!  Okay.. not really.. So?
Me: yeeeeah.  No. I am not that kind of person.   Soooo.. I really should be going.
Him: are you SURE I can't walk you home?
Me: No.. I'm okay.  Really.  <insert a bolt for the door>

Lesson learned.  A book alone in a decent place = cute guys approaching.  A book alone in a gaming lounge in a hotel = cute creeps approaching.

I came home, shot my sister a text that her idea is super, I just failed at the proper location.  At least we could share a good laugh about it! :-)