Changes in life happen in a heart beat.

It's amazing how fast your day can go from amazing to horrible..

My day started off at the Farmer's Market scooping up fresh asparagus, jalapeno relish for my sis, and a new aloe plant followed by a wonderful hour long walk in what could be a perfect day weather wise.

Glorious!

I got myself dolled up for a night out with a friend who I haven't seen in ages... THEN, I was stood up by this same friend.. who I tried messaging on FB, texting and calling.  Nothing.  Nada.

I was a little disappointed by his behaviour, and bummed out to be spending Saturday night home alone when I actually don't have to work in the morning and can stay out... SO, I went to sit outside for a few moments to enjoy the nice night and as I was coming back in.... BAM.  Ran right into my ex coming out  ((Side note for anyone who is not following:  Last year after we had broken up, he moved into my apartment complex and we ended up getting back together.. and broke up again a few months earlier)).  He gave me a completely evil and icy look.. I squeaked out a 'thank you' as he was kinda holding open the door.. or not really?  Just trying to get out, perhaps.. I don't know.. He didn't acknowledge it and went on his way..

I am apparently hanging on by a thread these days (Hello regression) as I scuttled inside, started shaking and crying. 

I texted my sister and two girlfriends for some encouragement.. and got no reply from two and a "What happened?" then no reply from the third.  That was the icing on the cake - open the flood gates!

I am not sure WHAT is going on with me these days, to be honest. 

Part of it is the fact that of my closest group of friends, I am the ONLY single person in the group.  I feel like an outsider some days.. My loneliness is palpable.  I find myself missing the aforementioned ex in these times.. I can't help but think that it wasn't that long ago that we were surfing the net for a place to move in together, taking about the future and such... I loved him with all my heart and here I am now.  As much as I don't want to admit it, his presence in my life impacted me greatly. 

I'm terrified that I will NEVER feel different from how I do right now, and that I may never meet someone I care about like I did the ex.  I have been propositioned for dates by some great guys in the past while and declined as I just couldn't feel a connection...

It bothers me that so many of my posts are a pity party..  Sorry guys.