So, as mentioned yesterday, here is an old blog of mine that I really enjoyed..
So, this week I have begun to take on the ultimate challenge: APARTMENT CLEANSWEEP!
Wooo!
The challenge innocently started off with me doing a little 'spring cleaning' earlier in the week. Ya know, the basic washing of walls and the likes.
Soon, however, it progressed into a need to pull out some random boxes of random crap that have been a) sitting in my closet for 2 1/2 years AND/OR b) in boxes under my bed with the dust bunnies for 2 1/2 years.
Holy s**t.
I apparently refuse to throw ANYTHING out. I sadly realized that I am nostalgic to a fault..
I sat on the floor ensconced in old KORN stickers, pink bandannas, and cassette tapes. These cassettes ranged from some mix tapes made by me or my friends (Smoking Popes, Gob and Stabbing Westward anyone?) to compilations from bands Radiohead and Nirvana (Cool, yes, playable on any stereo out there? No.) to an old Rap Traxx from 1988. I don't actually recall listening to rap in 1988, as I would have been 8 years old at the time.. but hey! I kept 'er! Apparently I was really into DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince in 1988.
In the depths of the boxes, I found a ton of random paper goods. Old ticket stubs from concerts (Greenday and Edgefest), chunks of notes from my days in AHT schooling (because I will most definitely be prepared if I need to know the ropes of pig neutering in my daily life) AND a note book filled with 'poetry' (I use that term VERY loosely) I used to write circa 1997 -1999.
Well, fellow Bloggers, I am sad to announce that after reading some of the gems, I realized that NOT only was I horribly filled with some teenage angst at the time, but I am pretty sure I would have fallen into the EMO category in today's society...
EMO! I almost want to hop in the Delorean and go back to kick my 19 yr old self in the shins and tell her to lighten up! I was actually sort of embarrassed to read this crap and know I wrote this all serious like... I don't actually recall being all sad like back then, so I guess I must have been a little bit of a drama queen.
Without further hesitation, I (not so proudly) give you a sample of my "work":
I will also add in some random comments along the way..
Untitled - June '99
Sometimes I lay awake at night,
Desperately trying to recall the warmth of your body
And remember the way you looked when you slept
I cannot mend these broken dreams
For they were created by my heart
And shaped by love,
But dead before they ever had a chance to breathe.
(((Oh yes, It gets BETTER than that)))
Looking back to the past
When our life was much like a dream
No one else could have suspected the bridge
Between dreams and reality
Was slowly crumbling
And couldn't be bound together by promises
As We gradually became You and Me
Soon only leaving me
((( SOOOOOO deep))))
And maybe no one else could have heard
The words your dark eyes spoke to me at night
Reaching blindly out in a whisper
And when you closed your eyes
I died in your existence
Leaving me to carry the burden of being
Alive
(((Oh poor emo 1999 Suzie - heartbroken over some dude who had blue hair, too many tattoos and enough piercings in his body to set off 20 metal detectors)))
Don't think I didn't notice your changing,
I could feel you filling the void before there was one
Scratching every lie you told me
Into trembling flesh
To scream out the tales of mislaid trust
And bleed your being out from me
(((and no, I wasn't a cutter. Apparently I just talked like one!)))
Yet no matter how hard I struggle
My futile (((futile!!))) attempts to reach you
Always fall short
The empty words I scrawl to you on paper
And in my heart
Will surely fade in time
Along with my name from your memory
The more that I reach for the fading echo
Of your voice
The more it viciously reminds me
That every day,
Every week,
Every month
That slips away from my grasp
Will drain another part of me
From you
Sometimes I think that you couldn't see
How desperate I was to have you say 'I love you'
That under my strong exterior hid a fragile
Child
Who crumbled and fell apart (((and lost their mind?))) before you
In a vain and selfish hope that you could hold the pieces
Together
When you'd hold me in your arms
Subconsciously telling me that one day
You would have to let go
(((I just briefly considered erasing this blog as I am embarrassed by this drivel)))
So I guess this is Goodbye
Goodbye to the good times and the bad,
To the times you made me cry
And the times you made me smile.
Goodbye to the (((wait for it))) perpetual nightmare of love
And as I leap from the sky on a flight of invisible wings
My heart will capture your name for an eternity
I'll say Goodbye
Forever knowing the Our life had to end
So Yours could start.
.....
O. M. G. WTF?!! I cannot even begin to explain that. I remember sharing my poetry with some friends who were also all angsty at the time and they LOVED it. Really?
Next box of papers I find is going STRAIGHT to the trash
...................................
Hah! Even better than the first time I wrote this.. and once again, I considered deleting this post rather than hitting the 'publish" button :-)
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