So, as mentioned yesterday, here is an old blog of mine that I really enjoyed..
So, this week I have begun to take on the ultimate challenge: APARTMENT CLEANSWEEP!
Wooo!
The challenge innocently started off with me doing a little 'spring cleaning' earlier in the week. Ya know, the basic washing of walls and the likes.
Soon, however, it progressed into a need to pull out some random boxes of random crap that have been a) sitting in my closet for 2 1/2 years AND/OR b) in boxes under my bed with the dust bunnies for 2 1/2 years.
Holy s**t.
I apparently refuse to throw ANYTHING out. I sadly realized that I am nostalgic to a fault..
I sat on the floor ensconced in old KORN stickers, pink bandannas, and cassette tapes. These cassettes ranged from some mix tapes made by me or my friends (Smoking Popes, Gob and Stabbing Westward anyone?) to compilations from bands Radiohead and Nirvana (Cool, yes, playable on any stereo out there? No.) to an old Rap Traxx from 1988. I don't actually recall listening to rap in 1988, as I would have been 8 years old at the time.. but hey! I kept 'er! Apparently I was really into DJ Jazzy Jeff and the Fresh Prince in 1988.
In the depths of the boxes, I found a ton of random paper goods. Old ticket stubs from concerts (Greenday and Edgefest), chunks of notes from my days in AHT schooling (because I will most definitely be prepared if I need to know the ropes of pig neutering in my daily life) AND a note book filled with 'poetry' (I use that term VERY loosely) I used to write circa 1997 -1999.
Well, fellow Bloggers, I am sad to announce that after reading some of the gems, I realized that NOT only was I horribly filled with some teenage angst at the time, but I am pretty sure I would have fallen into the EMO category in today's society...
EMO! I almost want to hop in the Delorean and go back to kick my 19 yr old self in the shins and tell her to lighten up! I was actually sort of embarrassed to read this crap and know I wrote this all serious like... I don't actually recall being all sad like back then, so I guess I must have been a little bit of a drama queen.
Without further hesitation, I (not so proudly) give you a sample of my "work":
I will also add in some random comments along the way..
Untitled - June '99
Sometimes I lay awake at night,
Desperately trying to recall the warmth of your body
And remember the way you looked when you slept
I cannot mend these broken dreams
For they were created by my heart
And shaped by love,
But dead before they ever had a chance to breathe.
(((Oh yes, It gets BETTER than that)))
Looking back to the past
When our life was much like a dream
No one else could have suspected the bridge
Between dreams and reality
Was slowly crumbling
And couldn't be bound together by promises
As We gradually became You and Me
Soon only leaving me
((( SOOOOOO deep))))
And maybe no one else could have heard
The words your dark eyes spoke to me at night
Reaching blindly out in a whisper
And when you closed your eyes
I died in your existence
Leaving me to carry the burden of being
Alive
(((Oh poor emo 1999 Suzie - heartbroken over some dude who had blue hair, too many tattoos and enough piercings in his body to set off 20 metal detectors)))
Don't think I didn't notice your changing,
I could feel you filling the void before there was one
Scratching every lie you told me
Into trembling flesh
To scream out the tales of mislaid trust
And bleed your being out from me
(((and no, I wasn't a cutter. Apparently I just talked like one!)))
Yet no matter how hard I struggle
My futile (((futile!!))) attempts to reach you
Always fall short
The empty words I scrawl to you on paper
And in my heart
Will surely fade in time
Along with my name from your memory
The more that I reach for the fading echo
Of your voice
The more it viciously reminds me
That every day,
Every week,
Every month
That slips away from my grasp
Will drain another part of me
From you
Sometimes I think that you couldn't see
How desperate I was to have you say 'I love you'
That under my strong exterior hid a fragile
Child
Who crumbled and fell apart (((and lost their mind?))) before you
In a vain and selfish hope that you could hold the pieces
Together
When you'd hold me in your arms
Subconsciously telling me that one day
You would have to let go
(((I just briefly considered erasing this blog as I am embarrassed by this drivel)))
So I guess this is Goodbye
Goodbye to the good times and the bad,
To the times you made me cry
And the times you made me smile.
Goodbye to the (((wait for it))) perpetual nightmare of love
And as I leap from the sky on a flight of invisible wings
My heart will capture your name for an eternity
I'll say Goodbye
Forever knowing the Our life had to end
So Yours could start.
.....
O. M. G. WTF?!! I cannot even begin to explain that. I remember sharing my poetry with some friends who were also all angsty at the time and they LOVED it. Really?
Next box of papers I find is going STRAIGHT to the trash
...................................
Hah! Even better than the first time I wrote this.. and once again, I considered deleting this post rather than hitting the 'publish" button :-)
Monday, May 30, 2011
Sunday, May 29, 2011
The wonderful world of blogging..
So, recently I was discussing blogging in all of its glory with a fellow blogger via email.
We were discussing the fact that it is actually pretty difficult to create a blog that is of interest to anyone else, especially strangers. Do you avoid topics that others are already discussing? (I said 'no!' - your opinion is ALWAYS different from someone else's no matter how similar they may be, if that makes sense).. More importantly, what really IS of interest?
I mentioned to my fellow blogger that some of my favorite blogs I had posted (when I belonged to a private blogging group) were silly topics: The top 5 things that made me happy that day.. The top 5 things that annoyed me that week... I actually did a post where I took a photo of my fridge contents and did a break down.. I did a post where I did a photo montage of an attempt at cooking a more elaborate dish in my tiny tiny little apartment kitchen (and no, it wasn't pretty).
Basically, it was just my life.
It may not be interesting, but it is mine. Perhaps someone else could take something out of it - a laugh, a different opinion, some advice, some solace.. something. Anything.
I really am not concerned with gaining as many followers as humanly possible, truth be told. In fact, I was SHOCKED to have two people COMMENT on posts. Sad, I know.
Why do I blog? I'm human, and therefore I have things that I need to vent/get off my chest/talk about. I do have a wonderful group of friends and family around me who I am able to talk to - but there is something... soothing? about just getting your thoughts out.
There is a certainly 'safety' to blogging and not being able to see the reader (and apparently I get the occasional ones). In "real life", I am not one who easily wears their heart on their sleeve. I never have been, and I may never be. It's something that I have been trying VERY hard to change about myself (and as a fellow blogger just discussed - change is difficult).. I can easily (in perhaps a disorganized manner that lacks proper flow/sentences/grammar) pour my thoughts out in written word, but my insecurities keep some of those same thoughts tucked away when I am faced with someone in real life..
I like being able to GET those thoughts out...
That is why I blog..
I am going to make an effort to get back into blogging more frequently. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I restarted dipping my feet into the water... I had spent too much time trying to fix a broken relationship that I stopped doing many things I previously enjoyed - like blogging. I really want that outlet back..
I am going to start by posting a few old blogs of mine that I enjoyed that I have saved from the private group I belonged to.. Look forward to it! :-)
We were discussing the fact that it is actually pretty difficult to create a blog that is of interest to anyone else, especially strangers. Do you avoid topics that others are already discussing? (I said 'no!' - your opinion is ALWAYS different from someone else's no matter how similar they may be, if that makes sense).. More importantly, what really IS of interest?
I mentioned to my fellow blogger that some of my favorite blogs I had posted (when I belonged to a private blogging group) were silly topics: The top 5 things that made me happy that day.. The top 5 things that annoyed me that week... I actually did a post where I took a photo of my fridge contents and did a break down.. I did a post where I did a photo montage of an attempt at cooking a more elaborate dish in my tiny tiny little apartment kitchen (and no, it wasn't pretty).
Basically, it was just my life.
It may not be interesting, but it is mine. Perhaps someone else could take something out of it - a laugh, a different opinion, some advice, some solace.. something. Anything.
I really am not concerned with gaining as many followers as humanly possible, truth be told. In fact, I was SHOCKED to have two people COMMENT on posts. Sad, I know.
Why do I blog? I'm human, and therefore I have things that I need to vent/get off my chest/talk about. I do have a wonderful group of friends and family around me who I am able to talk to - but there is something... soothing? about just getting your thoughts out.
There is a certainly 'safety' to blogging and not being able to see the reader (and apparently I get the occasional ones). In "real life", I am not one who easily wears their heart on their sleeve. I never have been, and I may never be. It's something that I have been trying VERY hard to change about myself (and as a fellow blogger just discussed - change is difficult).. I can easily (in perhaps a disorganized manner that lacks proper flow/sentences/grammar) pour my thoughts out in written word, but my insecurities keep some of those same thoughts tucked away when I am faced with someone in real life..
I like being able to GET those thoughts out...
That is why I blog..
I am going to make an effort to get back into blogging more frequently. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I restarted dipping my feet into the water... I had spent too much time trying to fix a broken relationship that I stopped doing many things I previously enjoyed - like blogging. I really want that outlet back..
I am going to start by posting a few old blogs of mine that I enjoyed that I have saved from the private group I belonged to.. Look forward to it! :-)
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
An oldie..
A few years back I participated in a small private blogging group on Facebook.. Sadly, the group fell apart as one member moved away out of province, one ended up being a loose canon and we had to boot him from the group (which ended up being an interesting experience), another was inappropriate with their comments (being overly harsh or crossing some lines) and also had to be cut.. My ex was a member of the group, and once we split it was too uncomfortable for both of us to be there, and he ended up leaving... And yes, I did think I may have Yoko Ono'ed the group... I have many fond memories of the group and the great conversations we had.. I miss it!
ANYHOW, I found an old blog I had copied and saved on my hard drive that I really enjoyed re-reading. I figured I would share it:
................................................
So, while participating in the Great Apartment Clean Sweep of 2009, I came across a scrap of paper that I had held onto for quite sometime. I am not sure where this quote that I had written down came from, but I know it struck me as meaningful at that moment (whenever that may have been). It still struck me as meaningful today:
‘Television brings us closer to certain forms of reality such as war in the Persian Gulf, but it also separates us emotionally from whatever it shows us. The more we see, the less we feel. Television instructs us that one war looks much like another; we lose our sense of the human meaning of disaster.’
As a whole, I am a huge fan of the advances in the technology of the world today. I vividly remember watching CNN when the war in Iraq broke out - live news feeds from the front lines being fed to the public a world away 24/7.
Just how long did it take for me to ‘bore’ of this news?
I don’t know.
The reality of the Iraq war turned into a Big Brother sort of phenomenon. I recall hearing the coverage called “polished and presented”.
I recall tuning into the news daily to hear about the 6 soldiers from the 507th Maintenance Company who had been ambushed in Nasiriyah in 2003. I waited on baited breath for a month to hear of their fate. With the rest of the world, I celebrated their rescue. I agreed fully that they were “heroes”. Jessica Lynch, anyone? The reality of being a POW was turned more into a movie-of-the-week sort of feel verses a real trauma. Hollywood bought and sold Jessica Lynch for a cool million.
Later on, I saw the images of Saddam’s sons after death splashed across the television in the middle of the day. I recall thinking it was more than a little ‘disturbing’ to be showing this on television. Did we need that much proof? While their lives may have been marred with despicable acts, in the end they were still human. I remember thinking: “Where does the Geneva convention fit in with this?” The reality lines blurred a little further.
A year passed, and I read in horror about Nick Berg, the American businessman abducted and beheaded in Iraq. I felt the surge of horror knowing that a video of his murder exists on the internet for all to see. The daily newspaper began showing the bloodied remains of the war. No censorship. No names. Just carnage.
Connect and disconnect with the world.
2005 came around and the world still recoiled in the sheer horror of the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami in the Indian Ocean. I remember picking up a copy of a local newspaper and seeing images of the aftermath. A quarter of a million people dead - and their bloated corpses floating in the water made the front page. I recall looking in disbelief at the image of a young child's body floating amidst broken tree branches and other garbage. I took some solace in the stories of miraculous rescues/survival in the wake of the catastrophe. With the rest of the world, I tuned out Iraq and was drawn into the plight of Thailand.
Later that year, Thailand was forgotten and Hurricane Katrina trumped Iraq. They estimate at this point, approximately 2,100 American troops had been killed in the war, but are slowly becoming nameless. While the US was leading Iraq to an election, the world watched the images of New Orleans sinking. Every day, I saw more and more images of the dead in the newspaper and on television. It amazed me that it no longer ‘shocked’ me as before.
By 2007, close to 4,000 troops had been killed in the line of duty. I recall hearing more of the Virginia Tech shooting that of the war. Actually, I remember hearing more hype of the final Harry Potter book than the war.
In 2008, I scarcely recall hearing much about the war, other than the opposition. There was no longer streaming video on CNN - it was non-stop news about Brit-Brit’s melt down and the OD death of Heath Ledger. The US Election brought some life back into the news of the war… Well, in between the Obama-fication of America.
It brings me to today. What is the latest news in Iraq? No idea. What is the name of the last solider to die there? No idea. I’ve personally become ‘numb’ to the war. I can’t help but wonder what the casual attitude of the war and death will have on the “Generation 9/11”.?
.........................................................
ANYHOW, I found an old blog I had copied and saved on my hard drive that I really enjoyed re-reading. I figured I would share it:
................................................
So, while participating in the Great Apartment Clean Sweep of 2009, I came across a scrap of paper that I had held onto for quite sometime. I am not sure where this quote that I had written down came from, but I know it struck me as meaningful at that moment (whenever that may have been). It still struck me as meaningful today:
‘Television brings us closer to certain forms of reality such as war in the Persian Gulf, but it also separates us emotionally from whatever it shows us. The more we see, the less we feel. Television instructs us that one war looks much like another; we lose our sense of the human meaning of disaster.’
As a whole, I am a huge fan of the advances in the technology of the world today. I vividly remember watching CNN when the war in Iraq broke out - live news feeds from the front lines being fed to the public a world away 24/7.
Just how long did it take for me to ‘bore’ of this news?
I don’t know.
The reality of the Iraq war turned into a Big Brother sort of phenomenon. I recall hearing the coverage called “polished and presented”.
I recall tuning into the news daily to hear about the 6 soldiers from the 507th Maintenance Company who had been ambushed in Nasiriyah in 2003. I waited on baited breath for a month to hear of their fate. With the rest of the world, I celebrated their rescue. I agreed fully that they were “heroes”. Jessica Lynch, anyone? The reality of being a POW was turned more into a movie-of-the-week sort of feel verses a real trauma. Hollywood bought and sold Jessica Lynch for a cool million.
Later on, I saw the images of Saddam’s sons after death splashed across the television in the middle of the day. I recall thinking it was more than a little ‘disturbing’ to be showing this on television. Did we need that much proof? While their lives may have been marred with despicable acts, in the end they were still human. I remember thinking: “Where does the Geneva convention fit in with this?” The reality lines blurred a little further.
A year passed, and I read in horror about Nick Berg, the American businessman abducted and beheaded in Iraq. I felt the surge of horror knowing that a video of his murder exists on the internet for all to see. The daily newspaper began showing the bloodied remains of the war. No censorship. No names. Just carnage.
Connect and disconnect with the world.
2005 came around and the world still recoiled in the sheer horror of the 2004 Boxing Day tsunami in the Indian Ocean. I remember picking up a copy of a local newspaper and seeing images of the aftermath. A quarter of a million people dead - and their bloated corpses floating in the water made the front page. I recall looking in disbelief at the image of a young child's body floating amidst broken tree branches and other garbage. I took some solace in the stories of miraculous rescues/survival in the wake of the catastrophe. With the rest of the world, I tuned out Iraq and was drawn into the plight of Thailand.
Later that year, Thailand was forgotten and Hurricane Katrina trumped Iraq. They estimate at this point, approximately 2,100 American troops had been killed in the war, but are slowly becoming nameless. While the US was leading Iraq to an election, the world watched the images of New Orleans sinking. Every day, I saw more and more images of the dead in the newspaper and on television. It amazed me that it no longer ‘shocked’ me as before.
By 2007, close to 4,000 troops had been killed in the line of duty. I recall hearing more of the Virginia Tech shooting that of the war. Actually, I remember hearing more hype of the final Harry Potter book than the war.
In 2008, I scarcely recall hearing much about the war, other than the opposition. There was no longer streaming video on CNN - it was non-stop news about Brit-Brit’s melt down and the OD death of Heath Ledger. The US Election brought some life back into the news of the war… Well, in between the Obama-fication of America.
It brings me to today. What is the latest news in Iraq? No idea. What is the name of the last solider to die there? No idea. I’ve personally become ‘numb’ to the war. I can’t help but wonder what the casual attitude of the war and death will have on the “Generation 9/11”.?
.........................................................
Monday, May 23, 2011
A thought..
There is something to be said about finding out who your true friends are..
As mentioned in the last post, I spent the long weekend out at the cabin with a group of friends. The weather here has been what can best be described as crazy - 28C one day and down to 5C the next. The rain has also been coming down way more than I think anyone would like... Unfortunately, this weekend heralded cooler weather for the majority of it and some rain.
With the weather being as miserable as it is, the group of us were inside the cabin a little more than what we traditionally would spend on this weekend.. BUT, that time inside actually gave the girls time to sit down and have some great heart-to-heart talks.
I cannot tell you how much I really appreciate the TRUE friendship these girls and I have.
When you go through a rough time, it is sometimes hard to see beyond yourself and look at the big picture. It's a true blessing in life to have people in your life who will give you the shoulder to cry on and tell you what you NEED to hear, as opposed to what you WANT to hear. Tough love, if you will.
In the past few years, many of my friends have gone through really difficult seasons of their lives: divorce, break ups, addiction, job loss, etc.. I love the fact that no matter how hard life can get, each and everyone of my friends has the rock of our friendship to stand on. No matter how badly anyone has 'screwed up' (and the addiction problem 2 friends faced was at a rock bottom level) - my friends will NEVER give up on them.
I feel for people who don't have that support.
Now, don't get me wrong - my family is AMAZING. I have said it before, and I will say it again - my parents are the epitome of what good parents should be.. They are amazing and I know I am the person I am today because of them... What I am saying is that, there is something to be said about having a solid group of friends around you as well.
I love the fact that we can be friends who have a good time together, but I can also rely on them for support/advice.. When the going gets rough, they are there in a heartbeat.
I love these people in my life like a second family, and I could never find the words to express how special these people are!
As mentioned in the last post, I spent the long weekend out at the cabin with a group of friends. The weather here has been what can best be described as crazy - 28C one day and down to 5C the next. The rain has also been coming down way more than I think anyone would like... Unfortunately, this weekend heralded cooler weather for the majority of it and some rain.
With the weather being as miserable as it is, the group of us were inside the cabin a little more than what we traditionally would spend on this weekend.. BUT, that time inside actually gave the girls time to sit down and have some great heart-to-heart talks.
I cannot tell you how much I really appreciate the TRUE friendship these girls and I have.
When you go through a rough time, it is sometimes hard to see beyond yourself and look at the big picture. It's a true blessing in life to have people in your life who will give you the shoulder to cry on and tell you what you NEED to hear, as opposed to what you WANT to hear. Tough love, if you will.
In the past few years, many of my friends have gone through really difficult seasons of their lives: divorce, break ups, addiction, job loss, etc.. I love the fact that no matter how hard life can get, each and everyone of my friends has the rock of our friendship to stand on. No matter how badly anyone has 'screwed up' (and the addiction problem 2 friends faced was at a rock bottom level) - my friends will NEVER give up on them.
I feel for people who don't have that support.
Now, don't get me wrong - my family is AMAZING. I have said it before, and I will say it again - my parents are the epitome of what good parents should be.. They are amazing and I know I am the person I am today because of them... What I am saying is that, there is something to be said about having a solid group of friends around you as well.
I love the fact that we can be friends who have a good time together, but I can also rely on them for support/advice.. When the going gets rough, they are there in a heartbeat.
I love these people in my life like a second family, and I could never find the words to express how special these people are!
Friday, May 20, 2011
May Long
Ahhh! The May Long weekend is finally upon us, here in Canada!
For those of you who aren't familiar with what the heck the "May Long weekend" (aka Victoria day) is, it is a holiday in Canada to celebrate the birth of Queen Victoria.
It is also a tradition among my friends to pile into our vehicles and head about 4 hours west of the city to a friend's 'cabin' (and I use that term loosly due to the rustic nature of the location/said cabin) to kick start the upcoming summer months (never mind the fact we had snow a few weeks prior) with some good old fashioned silly celebrations!
The closest neighbour to the cabin is MILES away, so we are free to have the music blaring for some impromtu dance parties and have some pretty amazing bonfires.. The land the cabin is on is massive, making it perfect to go quading or set up ladder golf & bocci ball tournaments..
There has NEVER been a BAD May long weekend.. I can ALWAYS look back at the photos and laugh at the antics that ensue!
I'm very much looking forward to getting out there and welcoming the warm weather... even if the forcast does call for rain!
(*This is not the cabin we stay in :-) They are two old barns in the field nearby)
For those of you who aren't familiar with what the heck the "May Long weekend" (aka Victoria day) is, it is a holiday in Canada to celebrate the birth of Queen Victoria.
It is also a tradition among my friends to pile into our vehicles and head about 4 hours west of the city to a friend's 'cabin' (and I use that term loosly due to the rustic nature of the location/said cabin) to kick start the upcoming summer months (never mind the fact we had snow a few weeks prior) with some good old fashioned silly celebrations!
The closest neighbour to the cabin is MILES away, so we are free to have the music blaring for some impromtu dance parties and have some pretty amazing bonfires.. The land the cabin is on is massive, making it perfect to go quading or set up ladder golf & bocci ball tournaments..
There has NEVER been a BAD May long weekend.. I can ALWAYS look back at the photos and laugh at the antics that ensue!
I'm very much looking forward to getting out there and welcoming the warm weather... even if the forcast does call for rain!
Monday, May 16, 2011
The past month has been a great month for me in so many ways.
I feel like I have grown a lot as a person. I have found much inner strength that I didn't know I possessed... I found more happiness in the past month than I have had in a few years.
Last year, I went through a VERY dark period, directly related to a relationship I was in.
I ended up seeking the help of a counselor to help myself deal with the pain that this person caused through their behaviour. The counselor that I saw was WONDERFUL. She really allowed me to see the truth of the situation that I had been in, the truth about myself and provided me with reading materials and advice to help me to a) not put myself into the situation I had been again b) find my self confidence c) grow.
Unfortunately, the person who had caused me so much pain ended up coming BACK into my life. The irony is - they came back the DAY I had my last session with her.
Though I did have the tools to move forward, the person told me all the beautiful things he thought I wanted to hear and was able to make their way back into my life and my heart.
Long story short, it wasn't long before the chaos started back up and history repeated itself.
The counsellor I had seen TOLD me that people rarely change, especially if they do not WANT to change.. The person in question had been through some terrible things in their life that caused them a lot of pain and scars emotionally.. they were unwilling to accept any help to change/heal themselves... or basically believe that anything was wrong. The point is, the counsellor told me that she had seen people in the same situation as myself and the outcome would never be positive.
I so strongly wanted to believe in my heart that the person I loved was capable of so much more than that. I had seen the 'good' side of this person - the one that I loved and wanted to spend my life with - and believed so strongly that this person could trump the 'bad' one in there - that was jealous, possessive, controlling and abusive.
She was right.
Things ended suddenly, and I found myself back into a VERY dark place.
This time though? I had enough tools in my arsenal to surge forward. I had the strength to fully confide in the people I care about.. to open myself up.. I leaped beyond myself.
I opened my eyes and realized that this is for the best, and that I am SO much better than how I had been treated.
I still have days where I miss the other person, don't get me wrong. There are moments that I wish I could talk to them, things that remind me of them, or times when I recall the good moments we shared.
I truly loved this person with my entire heart. I was faithful, even during our break ups, and defended this person, when other people thought I should walk away.. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person.. The good person, that is.
I cannot pretend that I could simply turn those feelings off.. I think I will always love this person, as they impacted my life in such a strong way.
It just amazes me that sometimes from the darkest places in your life you can find exactly what you are looking for.
I feel like I have grown a lot as a person. I have found much inner strength that I didn't know I possessed... I found more happiness in the past month than I have had in a few years.
Last year, I went through a VERY dark period, directly related to a relationship I was in.
I ended up seeking the help of a counselor to help myself deal with the pain that this person caused through their behaviour. The counselor that I saw was WONDERFUL. She really allowed me to see the truth of the situation that I had been in, the truth about myself and provided me with reading materials and advice to help me to a) not put myself into the situation I had been again b) find my self confidence c) grow.
Unfortunately, the person who had caused me so much pain ended up coming BACK into my life. The irony is - they came back the DAY I had my last session with her.
Though I did have the tools to move forward, the person told me all the beautiful things he thought I wanted to hear and was able to make their way back into my life and my heart.
Long story short, it wasn't long before the chaos started back up and history repeated itself.
The counsellor I had seen TOLD me that people rarely change, especially if they do not WANT to change.. The person in question had been through some terrible things in their life that caused them a lot of pain and scars emotionally.. they were unwilling to accept any help to change/heal themselves... or basically believe that anything was wrong. The point is, the counsellor told me that she had seen people in the same situation as myself and the outcome would never be positive.
I so strongly wanted to believe in my heart that the person I loved was capable of so much more than that. I had seen the 'good' side of this person - the one that I loved and wanted to spend my life with - and believed so strongly that this person could trump the 'bad' one in there - that was jealous, possessive, controlling and abusive.
She was right.
Things ended suddenly, and I found myself back into a VERY dark place.
This time though? I had enough tools in my arsenal to surge forward. I had the strength to fully confide in the people I care about.. to open myself up.. I leaped beyond myself.
I opened my eyes and realized that this is for the best, and that I am SO much better than how I had been treated.
I still have days where I miss the other person, don't get me wrong. There are moments that I wish I could talk to them, things that remind me of them, or times when I recall the good moments we shared.
I truly loved this person with my entire heart. I was faithful, even during our break ups, and defended this person, when other people thought I should walk away.. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with this person.. The good person, that is.
I cannot pretend that I could simply turn those feelings off.. I think I will always love this person, as they impacted my life in such a strong way.
It just amazes me that sometimes from the darkest places in your life you can find exactly what you are looking for.
Monday, May 9, 2011
Score one, me.. I think?
So, a few days before my trip last month, I had taken my car to have the tires rotated, as it was due for this maintenance.. I did very little driving the days up to my trip and so my car sat unused while I was away. When I came home, I began to notice the car was running 'funny'.
By 'funny', I mean that when I was idle in drive (IE stopped at a red light) I had a horrible vibration - enough that I could actually see the passenger side wiper blade shaking.
I took the car back to the place I had had the tires rotated and explained this new noise. Oh yes, I also mentioned that I found a dirty rag that they would have used sticking out from under the front of my car a few days after the rotation and questioned their work... Well, the shop explained that even though they do a 'courtesy check' of various parts with the rotation, they couldn't have possibly caused any damage. Right. They took a quick peek and failed to notice anything wrong.
I tried Googling what it could be and it came back with horrible things like needing a new transmission.. Ugh.
So, with a lot of dread (as I really cannot afford another large car repair after the last one I had in January, and really cannot be without a car for a long period of time) I made an appointment with a mechanic.
Long story short, I dropped the car off in the morning when they opened and a few hours later I received a call from the shop that my car was fixed and ready! They told me that a bolt around the air sensor was loose, which was causing the noise.
The cost to fix this? $40.
Score me!
I was rather happy until I started to think about this and realized - I just paid $40 to have someone tighten a bolt.
Score me?
By 'funny', I mean that when I was idle in drive (IE stopped at a red light) I had a horrible vibration - enough that I could actually see the passenger side wiper blade shaking.
I took the car back to the place I had had the tires rotated and explained this new noise. Oh yes, I also mentioned that I found a dirty rag that they would have used sticking out from under the front of my car a few days after the rotation and questioned their work... Well, the shop explained that even though they do a 'courtesy check' of various parts with the rotation, they couldn't have possibly caused any damage. Right. They took a quick peek and failed to notice anything wrong.
I tried Googling what it could be and it came back with horrible things like needing a new transmission.. Ugh.
So, with a lot of dread (as I really cannot afford another large car repair after the last one I had in January, and really cannot be without a car for a long period of time) I made an appointment with a mechanic.
Long story short, I dropped the car off in the morning when they opened and a few hours later I received a call from the shop that my car was fixed and ready! They told me that a bolt around the air sensor was loose, which was causing the noise.
The cost to fix this? $40.
Score me!
I was rather happy until I started to think about this and realized - I just paid $40 to have someone tighten a bolt.
Score me?
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