Ties.

Oh God. 

My hunch was right.  The Ex is moving out.  I came home from work yesterday and saw him loading some belongings up...

Apparently I care WAY more than I thought I did as it induced a huge panic response in me.. I honestly was not expecting as violent of a reaction as it caused.  Grief stricken sobbing.  Horrid nervous energy that I didn't know what to do with.. Pure panic.

I texted a friend and my sis for some support, and was offered up this: This was the last tie I had to be severed.  Which is true - while he was here, there was always a faint possibility of the man who I thought I would marry to love me back the way I loved him.

This may sound crazy knowing the crap I have written about the crummy things he did... but my heart wasn't ready to give up on the one I loved.  This move has caused emotions to erupt that I thought were gone or deeply buried.

I read a post this morning from a blogger I follow about not being able to Accept.  It really struck a cord with me as I have been very angry with Him.  I have believed so strongly in my heart for things to be a certain way, tried to move past them and still was stuck feeling strongly.  I couldn't help buy believe I felt how I did for a reason.

I prayed on that feeling.  I actually started crying this past Sunday in church (and I haven't been attending church regularly for a while due to my feelings of anger) when the pastor spoke about praying for miracles/healing.  I thought: "I DID". 

I struggle to believe that this much pain is what His plan is for me.

I've cried my tears for 3 years.  I've put my heart and soul into something and ultimately failed.  I have not learned from it.  It has not made me stronger.

In fact, it has turned me into someone I don't want to be.

I have never been a really negative person.  I was the person patients at work enjoyed working with because I was "always smiling".  I feel some days that this experience has sucked that joy from my life.. I feel like a failure at life.. What I prayed for, what I want and where I am are no where near each other.  It hurts badly.

I try to stand strong knowing I am a good person.   I try to believe that I just need to give it time.. I try to believe He is working ... but still.. I am shaken.  I am faltering. 

I am struggling to believe.

Lip dub?

This may very well be one of the sweetest proposals I have ever seen. :-)

And yes, I did cry my eyes out starting approx. 12 seconds in.

Enjoy! ♥

I don't have the heart for this!

I think the worst part about dating is having to let someone down when you are not interested.

HOW do you do it when the other party involved is interested when you are not?

Mr Ballet apparently had a swell time and thinks I am amazing. As from my previous post, I didn't feel a romantic connection.

After thinking perhaps he was not interested as we hadn't spoken since our date, he called me up before I left for the long weekend.  Nothing was mentioned about another date, but he DID mention he no longer attends church but took up salsa dancing instead.  Huuhhh?  That is a moot point, but strange none the less..

That brings me to today:

Text message from Mr Ballet:
"Let's go out again if you want to.  There's a live music thing at <store> on Thursday night or we could do something on the weekend."

So what is a girl to do?

I have been on the receiving end of a enjoying a date and being ignored by my date who apparently wasn't into me.  At least have the balls decency to SAY you are not feeling a connection right?

Welll..... I MAY have ya know.. did the same thing in the past due to being too chicken to actually come out and say I was not interested.

I do not have the heart to let someone down.  It breaks MY heart to reject someone as I know how crappy it is... but it's necessary.

So half an hour later I kicked my guilty conscious into the closet and replied:

"I have to be honest, I did have a good time when we went out and think you're a cool guy, but just did not feel a romantic connection.  I'm really sorry about that, but don't want you wasting your time."

I waited for perhaps silence or a "Yeah, okay" sort of reply.. this is what I got:

"Thanks for being honest and straightforward.  I respect that.  You're a good woman :)"

So why do I feel like a real jerk? :(

You gotta kiss a lot of frogs..

The date?  Well, I learned a two things:

1) I LOVE the ballet!
The performance was AMAZING with the highlight for me being Alison Crowe playing piano and singing Hallejuha while the dancers performed)

2) My sister and I have different tastes in men.
I didn't feel a romantic spark towards this fellow.. and honestly, he said a few things that struck me as being condescending or mocking towards me.. IE I mentioned how I had read 59 books in a year and he brought that up a few times in a mocking fashion that insinuated I didn't have a life... and said: "You probably own a cat too". 

I am not too sure what THAT means, but I took it as an off hand dig. 

My sis mentioned he has a sarcastic type sense of humor and can use that sort of behaviour as a nervous coping mechanism, but c'mon... If you don't even KNOW someone, probably not the best approach...

Needless to say, I am not foreseeing a second date in our futures!

I guess I am left to venture into online.. uggggh.

I was really hoping for something there... Perhaps I set my expectations too high...

And today?  I was going to go sit outside, saw The Ex's brother's car out front, figured I would wait a few minutes to see if he left before I went outside... and out the door from the hallway walks The Ex.  I can't describe the look he gave me... but yeah.. Made tears come to my eyes.

Not sure WHY he was even up there (my only thought - giving moving notice?), but that's a moot point... I just can't believe someone out there hates me THAT much... It's heartbreaking...

Remember to breathe..

Oh my.

Ask and ye shall receive!

An hour after my dating post, and after a little prebed prayer on the subject, I received a text from my sister:  A friend of hers has extra tickets to the the ballet this evening and was wanting to take me.

!!!

This fellow had expressed interest in my prior, but I declined as I was wrapped up in my ex drama and still on an 'on' phase of our 3 yr off and on craziness... This time, I didn't answer my sister that night, slept on the decision and in the morning texted back saying I would go.

I am not even terribly interested IN the ballet, but hey.. I need to get out there.

Long story short, that brings us to today.. We are meeting up in an hour for a quick bite/drink then walking over to the concert hall for the show.

I am petrified.

I requested to drive myself, as I just prefer that on first dates in case things go poorly.. so I have google mapped the restaurant to ensure I get there on time.

I have asked what to wear to the ballet, as I don't attend and have no idea what to wear to such events... I have picture texted my sister with dress options for the night...

I am terrified.

I may have also made a comment in text setting up the date about blind dates (as this will be just that) being scary (and they are).. and that he is taking a risk of waking up tomorrow missing a kidney.

I made a joke about stealing an organ to a guy I have never met.

Aiiiii.  What.  The.  F**K.

He did 'laugh' and joked on about me, but still... WHAAAAT goes through my mind.

I hate this part of a relationship - the search.  I am honestly a relationship gal.  I enjoy the staying in watching movies in pjs with your special someone, ordering in take out... the comfort.. This uncertainty is not me... Aiiiii.

I just have to tell myself; remember to breathe.

Can your Iphone help you lose weight?

Can your IPhone help you lose weight?  Yes.  Yes it can.

So, I know I was talking a few months back about the fact that due to stress I had lost weight.  I was actually to the point I was having trouble keeping weight on.

Poor me, right? Ha!

I generally eat very healthy. I also exercise daily. The combination basically lead me to not having to be concerned of my weight... and staying around the same weight for the past 4 years or so, minus the periods of stress where my weight would fall slightly for a short period..

Well, in the past month or so I found the weight creeping on.  When I stopped talking the Zyban I felt my appetite creep back up (and the cravings for cigs to increase slightly) causing me to indulge... a lot.  My relationship stress also had the effect of me emotional eating.. namely at the bags of Easter candy I bought on sale (because one person really needs 7 jumbo bags of Mini Eggs at $1 a piece)

On my recent trip to Mexico, I ate like there was no tomorrow.  Bowls of guacamole and nachos every day? Why the heck not?!  Jugs of banana margaritas? Heck yes!  Cheese quasadillas?  Yes please! Beers? Oh yes! 

Well.... Nearing the end of our trip and coming home I felt my clothes were fitting a weeeeee bit tighter than prior.

Try 6 lbs tighter!  Ayyyy dios Mios!

I tried to blame water retention (uhm, yes) for some of it, but my indulging caught up to me. 

Time to diet.

I am not good at dieting.  I am not used to dieting.  I really don't know how to diet well... Like I said, in the past I relied on my healthy diet and exercise to keep me where I felt comfortable.  How do I LOSE weight?

Well, I stumbled upon a wonderful app for my IPhone at the ITunes store: My Fitness Pal.

This app sets up a fitness profile for you according to your current weight, weight loss goal and how tells you many calories you should be consuming daily to achieve a 1, 1 1/2 or 2 lb wt loss a week. 

During the day, you input your meals for the day via inputting a food into the data base(I have not come across a product/food yet that was not there), scanning the barcodes of products(VERY COOL), or inputting a recipe and allowing the  program to calculate the calories for a portion.  ((The more foods you log,

The program also calculates your exercise for the day and adjusts your calories accordingly.

Easy! 

And yes, you COULD eat say, 1200 calories of butter a day and lose weight.  The program DOES calculate nutrients from your input and tells you how you are doing with the recommended fat, cholesterol, sodium, carbs, sugar (my apparent downfall), carbs and vitamins for the day.. So yes, it does encourage you to make better choices.  You are actually able to log on online and customize your nutritional goals as well.  Me, I just need to watch my sugar intake.

Have I felt deprived?  No.  This program forces you to look at portion sizes and make healthier choices.. but it does not limit foods.

I have actually had a few days where I had no choice (ha ha) but to snack on some chocolate at night to finish up my alloted calories for the day.

So, have I lost weight?  Yep.  3 of those 6 lbs are out the window!

All in all, I highly recommend the app for anyone wanting to shed a few pounds.

I used to be an eternal optimist until I met you

I once described how I was feeling as trying to run through quicksand;  no matter how hard I try, I am slowly sinking.

I am at a place where I am CONTEMPLATING moving forward and jumping onto the dating bandwagon.

Yep.

Believe me when I say I am not 'over' the ex. 

Far from it. 

Out of the blue awhile back while having a particularly rough day, I messaged a FB friend (a gal I went to school with, but am not close to) who is very vocal about her religious beliefs.  I asked her to pray for me.  I needed it. 

Long story short, we ended up chatting after she asked if I could elaborate on WHY I was asking for prayer - and she ended up telling me she went through something similar and how her low point was being hospitalized for an attempted suicide attempt.  Scary stuff.    She went on to tell me how that led her to move on.. and that if after 3 yrs my ex will not commit to me, he never will. 

I know that.. Believe me, I know that... I know it is NOT me, but his issues. 

I also know that this last time he blew me off, he wasted no time in hunting out someone else to date (and to screw that up in less than 2 weeks.. and is now back on PoF).  He doesn't love me... or if he does, he is not capable of expressing it.  Yes, after 3 yrs, he is NEVER going to commit.  I have done all I am capable of doing to make this work.  I can do no more.

In Mexico, I actually had an argument with my bff as she was fully pushing for me to go out on a 'date' with the fellow, D,  I met there last year... I declined (which she could not understand and was angry by) as my heart was just not in it.  She obviously talked to him about this as she tried to force me into it and would not take my 'I don't want to' for an answer, as she tried to tell me how crazy he is about me...

I ended up talking to D once I got home and apologized for my being slightly standoffish.  I told him what was going on with me.. He did confide he had never met anyone like me, how he sometimes stumbled on his English when around me because I made him nervous, that he has NOT dated since meeting me as he is very smitten with me..blah blah.. Very sweet.  I explained that the ex (I had discussed our breakup last year when we met) and I had been on again, off again for the year since I was there and my heart was just not RIGHT. 

Honestly, if we lived in the same,you know, country, I would consider it... but we don't.  It's not a feasible relationship..

So, what do I do?  Part of me wants to MOVE ON.  I am contemplating looking into online dating (I tried in before I met the ex with blah results) and part of me is holding that faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, the ex will magically get over his shit and realize I'm pretty damn special.

Part of me wants to move on, as I really want to have a relationship and eventually start a family. 

Part of me has given up because that part actually thinks that ship has sailed and at 32 I am too old to HAVE children... which is crazy, but not that crazy.

Part of me is actually too embarrassed to online date.  I don't know why, but I am.

What do I do.. I am not even sure how to 'sell' myself on a profile.  Arrrrrgh.  I'm going to mull this over for the night and perhaps try to write myself up.

"32 yr old vegetarian gal.  Loves peanut butter, reading, zombies and puppies (non zombie version).  More of a listener than talker.  Doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, even when I feel strongly.  Worst quality and best quality can be seen as seeing the best in everyone.  Fragile."

((and occasionally suffers from Something About Mary style hair when windy))