Ties.

Oh God. 

My hunch was right.  The Ex is moving out.  I came home from work yesterday and saw him loading some belongings up...

Apparently I care WAY more than I thought I did as it induced a huge panic response in me.. I honestly was not expecting as violent of a reaction as it caused.  Grief stricken sobbing.  Horrid nervous energy that I didn't know what to do with.. Pure panic.

I texted a friend and my sis for some support, and was offered up this: This was the last tie I had to be severed.  Which is true - while he was here, there was always a faint possibility of the man who I thought I would marry to love me back the way I loved him.

This may sound crazy knowing the crap I have written about the crummy things he did... but my heart wasn't ready to give up on the one I loved.  This move has caused emotions to erupt that I thought were gone or deeply buried.

I read a post this morning from a blogger I follow about not being able to Accept.  It really struck a cord with me as I have been very angry with Him.  I have believed so strongly in my heart for things to be a certain way, tried to move past them and still was stuck feeling strongly.  I couldn't help buy believe I felt how I did for a reason.

I prayed on that feeling.  I actually started crying this past Sunday in church (and I haven't been attending church regularly for a while due to my feelings of anger) when the pastor spoke about praying for miracles/healing.  I thought: "I DID". 

I struggle to believe that this much pain is what His plan is for me.

I've cried my tears for 3 years.  I've put my heart and soul into something and ultimately failed.  I have not learned from it.  It has not made me stronger.

In fact, it has turned me into someone I don't want to be.

I have never been a really negative person.  I was the person patients at work enjoyed working with because I was "always smiling".  I feel some days that this experience has sucked that joy from my life.. I feel like a failure at life.. What I prayed for, what I want and where I am are no where near each other.  It hurts badly.

I try to stand strong knowing I am a good person.   I try to believe that I just need to give it time.. I try to believe He is working ... but still.. I am shaken.  I am faltering. 

I am struggling to believe.