I am at a place where I am CONTEMPLATING moving forward and jumping onto the dating bandwagon.
Yep.
Believe me when I say I am not 'over' the ex.
Far from it.
Out of the blue awhile back while having a particularly rough day, I messaged a FB friend (a gal I went to school with, but am not close to) who is very vocal about her religious beliefs. I asked her to pray for me. I needed it.
Long story short, we ended up chatting after she asked if I could elaborate on WHY I was asking for prayer - and she ended up telling me she went through something similar and how her low point was being hospitalized for an attempted suicide attempt. Scary stuff. She went on to tell me how that led her to move on.. and that if after 3 yrs my ex will not commit to me, he never will.
I know that.. Believe me, I know that... I know it is NOT me, but his issues.
I also know that this last time he blew me off, he wasted no time in hunting out someone else to date (and to screw that up in less than 2 weeks.. and is now back on PoF). He doesn't love me... or if he does, he is not capable of expressing it. Yes, after 3 yrs, he is NEVER going to commit. I have done all I am capable of doing to make this work. I can do no more.
In Mexico, I actually had an argument with my bff as she was fully pushing for me to go out on a 'date' with the fellow, D, I met there last year... I declined (which she could not understand and was angry by) as my heart was just not in it. She obviously talked to him about this as she tried to force me into it and would not take my 'I don't want to' for an answer, as she tried to tell me how crazy he is about me...
I ended up talking to D once I got home and apologized for my being slightly standoffish. I told him what was going on with me.. He did confide he had never met anyone like me, how he sometimes stumbled on his English when around me because I made him nervous, that he has NOT dated since meeting me as he is very smitten with me..blah blah.. Very sweet. I explained that the ex (I had discussed our breakup last year when we met) and I had been on again, off again for the year since I was there and my heart was just not RIGHT.
Honestly, if we lived in the same,you know, country, I would consider it... but we don't. It's not a feasible relationship..
So, what do I do? Part of me wants to MOVE ON. I am contemplating looking into online dating (I tried in before I met the ex with blah results) and part of me is holding that faint glimmer of hope that maybe, just maybe, the ex will magically get over his shit and realize I'm pretty damn special.
Part of me wants to move on, as I really want to have a relationship and eventually start a family.
Part of me has given up because that part actually thinks that ship has sailed and at 32 I am too old to HAVE children... which is crazy, but not that crazy.
Part of me is actually too embarrassed to online date. I don't know why, but I am.
What do I do.. I am not even sure how to 'sell' myself on a profile. Arrrrrgh. I'm going to mull this over for the night and perhaps try to write myself up.
"32 yr old vegetarian gal. Loves peanut butter, reading, zombies and puppies (non zombie version). More of a listener than talker. Doesn't wear her heart on her sleeve, even when I feel strongly. Worst quality and best quality can be seen as seeing the best in everyone. Fragile."
((and occasionally suffers from Something About Mary style hair when windy))
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