I'm trying.

This is not going to be a happy one.  Feel free to not read this.. I just need the space.

I'm trying very hard to be strong..

I've been smoke free for over 2 months.. I can proudly say that while it still isn't EASY, I feel like I am more in control of the situation than it is over me..

However, I cannot say that for other areas in my life.. In other areas, I feel horribly out of control.  And by that, I mean sobbing uncontrollably at times.

I've been trying very hard to 'keep it to myself', as no one wants to hear about it... How crazy is that?  I partly started blogging again to have an outlet for these times... now I am worried about what other people will think?  Funny, isn't it?

I just wish I could understand WHY I can be SO strong in so many aspects of my life, and yet, in others I am weak..  I can relate it to the previous addiction to smoking - I KNEW how bad it was for myself, yet I still did it.

Why do people do things in their lives, let certain people in, knowing all the while that the situation is not going to end well?

I half brought up the subject with a co-worker today, and their answer was this:  "Sometimes you need to return, and stand on the edge of the cliff to realize how dangerous it really is.."

I do realize how insignificant my problems are compared to what others are going through..

We had a major snow fall (which we haven't in about a month) in the city overnight/this morning..  As expected, the roads were in pretty bad shape, and many accidents occurred throughout the city.  One of these accidents resulted in a woman in her early 50s being killed.  She was brought into the hospital I work at (which is a bad sign to begin with, as we are not a trauma center - but she was not stable enough to make the further distance) barely hanging on, and despite the best efforts of the staff, she passed from her injuries.  The hospital had a difficult time id-ing her as the vehicle was in such bad shape the jaws of life had to be used - her purse with ID was not in reach.  A co-worker was in the vicinity when the family began to arrive - some in shock, some in hysterics.  Their mother and wife was gone in a heartbeat, taken too young.

Someone lost their loved one.  They could not prevent this pain.  I COULD prevent mine, but I am choosing not to.  Why?  I just wish someone could tell me WHY.